KINK, SEX, AND MY ASEXUALITY

Words by Snow (they/she)

Disclaimer: BDSM and kink activities come with a lot of risk. Please educate yourself about these properly before engaging in new activities. Rope is discussed in this article, and this especially comes with significant medical safety risks such as permanent nerve damage. Be sure to get proper consent and take it slow. <3

I’m an absolute degenerate and I fucking love it.

I’m a kinky motherfucker and it’s become a big part of my identity. My name is Snow, but a few people call me Mistress. Practising BDSM and kink are ways for me to connect with people in a deeply intimate way. Scenes embodying pain and sensation are extremely vulnerable, and this means trust is crucial. It’s essential to care about and be aware of each other’s wants and needs throughout the entire scene. The result is often extremely beautiful. It’s like a dance with its push and pull— the tension between fear and deep trust.

My intro into the kink world was Shibari.

Physical restraint, an ever-changing and dynamic intimacy, and the beautifully artistic side of rope are what draw me in. It’s the feeling of the rope running through my hands. The shaping and contortion of the human form. It’s the beautiful process of further restraining and ornamenting the body which always brings me back to rope.

I want to mention that Fifty Shades of Grey is trash. It misrepresents and overgeneralises what

kink is like. Clichés on clichés have been derived from the Fifty Shades series, and it overshadows the historic queerness that is inherent to kink. As a friend of mine says, “cis-het men are the BDSM community’s weakest link”. I would tend to agree.

I’m trans and I’m also on the asexual spectrum. To quickly snuff out any misconceptions: yes,

some ace people have sex, enjoy sex, and want sex, and some don’t. It’s an extremely diverse spectrum. Asexuality is about the attraction you feel to another person, not the activities you engage in. These examples are usually given in the context of vanilla sexuality—the heavily normative, historically monogamous and heterosexual penis-in-vagina conception of sex.

For me, being ace-spec means that I don’t get a huge amount out of this vanilla sex. I simply don’t find the intense interpersonal connection others seem to have with it.

I enjoy sex most in the context of consensual power exchange (or D/S: Dominance and Submission). Kink isn’t ‘when people do the sex weird’. The more central component is the connection you create with your play partner(s) during a scene. It’s about embodying desire, and connecting with people and various headspaces. In this sense, sex is an additive to my intimacy with others, not a core feature. It’s an activity, just like any of the others I'm into.

So, my kinky friends, go out into the world with pride! Be proud of being whatever you are—

whether that be a sadist, a masochist, a rope bunny, a slave, a puppy, or whichever words fit for you.

The subversive ways we live our lives keep shit exciting and make the world a more interesting place.

Be gay do crime <3

Mistress Snow