A Walk Through The Gender Garden

Words by Goose (she/they)

CW: Transphobia.

Something I see all too often is the idea that transition is a simple journey from Gender A to Gender B. ‘Male-to-female’ and ‘female-to-male’ have been commonly accepted terms to describe transitioning women and men respectively for years now. 

In the last 40 years, we’ve seen the rise of new gender descriptors that go beyond the binary of man or woman. The term ‘genderqueer’ was first coined in the 1980s, but we’ve been around a lot longer than this language has existed. ‘Non-binary’, ‘agender’, ‘gender-flux’, ‘pangender’, and many more have arisen out of the desire for a label beyond the binary.

Every new label is an attempt to name a very specific experience of gender. Lots of people find enjoyment and affirmation in having a term for their individual gender expression. But is this really the best option? All of a sudden, we’ve gone from a binary, to a trinary, quaternary, quintenary, etc. We’ve just invented more categories that enforce this idea of a straight line from A to B.

I’ve got a friend who’s detransitioning. She stopped taking testosterone recently, but she definitely isn’t cis. They’re not going from Gender B back to Gender A—that perspective is so two-dimensional. It’s so binary. Put on your 3-D glasses and you’ll realise that the straight line isn’t a 'straight line’ at all, but instead, a much more open path. My friend described it to me as “wandering unbothered through my gender garden. Look, that rose is purple—that’s cool.” You don’t go to a garden to get from one end to the other, you’re there to stop and look at the flowers. 

Detransitioning gets a lot of bad attention these days. It’s one of those points transphobic talkers use to say: ‘Look at these freaks! They transitioned and regretted it. You’ll regret it too if you try, so don’t even bother.’ But if you’re paying attention, all the ‘detransitioners’ they bring on to their platforms aren’t actually stopping their transition, they’re just complaining about it. It’s always the same four people being interviewed a hundred times to make it seem more widespread.

Knee replacement surgery has a 20% regret rate, transition has less than 1%.

For some, Gender B is the goal. They have a very fixed idea of what they want, and that’s great. But it’s not as common as it might seem. A lot of us under the rainbow are just jumping at the closest label for a hint of validation. I can say this from my own experience, as well as the experience of those close to me. It’s incredibly common when you’re in the early questioning stages, and there’s nothing wrong with it, but it shouldn’t be seen as the be-all and end-all of gender identity. It can be, and is often, much more fluid than that. 

I’ve known plenty of detransitioners who don’t regret transition, they simply realised that what they thought they wanted wasn’t exactly it after all. That logic applies to plenty of things in life and it’s never too late to change your mind.

‘Genderqueer’ was never meant to be a third gender. It’s an open space to represent those who need to explore and get a little funky with it. You don’t have to go all the way through right away. Take your time and smell the roses.

It’s your garden.