Popstar

Words by Zia Ravenscroft (they/he)

Poppers, or various concentrations of amyl nitrate, isopropyl, and alkyl nitrate, were first used in the 19th century to help with ‘chest pain’.

Sure, famously repressed yet secretly kinky Victorians—I’ll believe that. Poppers are famous amongst the gays for making dancing a bit more fun and anal sex a bit smoother. They gained popularity in queer nightlife scenes in the 1970s. In the past, poppers have been sold in New Zealand sex shops as leather cleaner or nail polish remover. They are now able to be prescribed and imported, and are semi-legal virtually everywhere. 

Here at “Fruit Salad” this week, we’re giving you a popper rundown. I’ll be showcasing the best poppers out there—courtesy of my adventures inhaling my way through Wellington Grindr last year. 

Poppers are all essentially the same product with extremely minor variations, so this ranking is based on my personal taste in branding and scent.

*Jungle Juice Black Label:* The classic. It’s like if blue jeans were a muscle relaxant used for the purposes of homosexual intercourse. Unfortunately, it smells like dirty socks, which I don’t particularly find arousing. ⅗ 

*Iron Fist:* First made in Berlin, Iron Fist are industrial-grade and German engineered! Delivers like, well, an iron fist through glass. ⅘

*Amyl Titanium:* Points off for a boring name. If your sole purpose in life is to be a minor drug used by gay people, you can surely be a bit more creative. Points back on for smelling vaguely floral. ⅖

*Holy Water:* Perfect for those with a sexy amount of religious trauma, almost definitely used by Jesus himself, and my favourite bottle design on the entire list. 5/5

*Locker Room:* Blatantly trying to appeal to a hypermasculinity that, as a crossdressing trans man, I can’t relate to. I took one look at the packaging and chose something else in alignment with my twinkish aesthetics. ⅕

*Double Scorpio:* Double Scorpio is the hipster craft beer of poppers, with scents like frankincense, honey, and eucalyptus. I’ve had the best experiences and least side effects on Double Scorpio. Once you scorpion, you can’t scorpi-out. 69/5

DISCLAIMER: like any recrational drug, poppers can have adverse side effects and must be taken with caution. Under no circumstances should the contents of a poppers bottle be drunk, it is for inhalant purposes only.