Living In Two Realities

Words by Aliyah Tiuka (she/her; Ngai Tūhoe, Ngati Kahungunu)

Lovesickness is felt by many. Yet it is something so complex and versatile that I don't think that it can be fully described.

It’s missing someone so much that you miss them even when you’re in their presence. Or missing them from afar with a few hundred kilometers in between. It might even be a longing feeling for someone who you either cannot have, used to know, or just wish they were there with you. 

Is it worse than a breakup or even similar?

There are many distinct interpretations of love, varying across cultures. Different observations and perspectives. No matter how deeply someone's ability to love is buried, each person has the capacity to love within themselves.

I believe that lovesickness derives from love that is delicate, as if it were a plant that needs water to give it life. You need to water it occasionally to keep it growing. Otherwise, it will shrivel up and wilt away, just like love that is not reciprocated.

Our emotions can be intense, like a breath not being able to escape. Anxiousness can feel like walking into a university lecture late and all eyes turning to you as you try to find a seat. Sometimes we might use our emotions to justify our situations. 

We get our hopes up for a specific ending, an ending we’ve dreamt in our minds. Devoting all our energy, passion, time, and love into someone or something that we’ve put on a pedestal. Maybe that’s just the foundation of lovesickness. You make risky decisions with your emotions and heart.

You create a version of yourself that didn’t exist before in order to be someone the person you love could love back. It’s like you're living in two different realities. A reality where they exist, and one where you both are two distant strangers. All the memories and moments created were just a blur in a dream. Giving off the “it izz what it izz” behaviour.

In the beginning, the thoughts circulating your mind are about whether or not you are actually interested. You’re cautious. Playing the waiting game. Catching feelings for each other with no clue if you’re actually going to end up experiencing happiness in the long-term. You’re infatuated with them. A story you write as you go, I suppose. But then the feeling of love appears. 

Love may be an amazing feeling, but it holds so much unfairness. It is a full-time occupation. Mind-consuming and time-consuming. You give so much of yourself to ensure that feeling of love is a positive one.

Then the lovesickness begins. Your mind becomes vacant, lost in a world of confusion. Every feeling you have is an overdose of the last. You find ways to decrease the pain. 

Isn’t it ironic that love, whatever shape or form that it is to you, is one of the most elusive and difficult feelings that we as individuals will always try to attain? Human nature directs us to seek love, even if we end up dislocating our head or heart just to experience it.