Live, Laugh, Lav

Words by Lav (she/her)

Dear Lav, 

How do you get over someone? I’ve been trying for months and it seems like nothing’s working.  

AJ

Hey you.  

I’ve been there many times and it’s a rough place to be. 

The only way to “get over” it is to get through it. You have to feel your feelings. You have to let them be. You have to sit with them and process what happened without judgment, and with full compassion. The sooner you allow yourself to fully exist in the pain of the breakup, the better. Don’t give yourself a time frame. That’s a sure-fire way to make yourself feel like a failure if you don’t achieve it. 

Then, focus on yourself. Do things you never did with your ex. Get to know yourself again and rebuild a life you feel good about. Maybe read new books, get new hobbies, hang out with new people, or visit new places. Most importantly, you should focus on the things you can do and the person you can be now that you’re no longer with your ex. 

I also am a big fan of going no-contact with an ex. It’s really tough, but it gives you a lot of time and space to grow and reflect. 

Heartbreak sucks, but you’ll get through it, I promise. 

Hey Lav, 

I am dating someone new and have some conflicting feelings. I feel like I should feel a certain way and find I don’t. He’s really cool, we get along well and have fun, and I’m also attracted to him. But I don’t feel that spark I want, so I don’t know…

I guess my question is: how do you know someone is right for you? 

Confused

Hey Confused!

Answer is simple. You don’t. 

You take a chance. You assess whether you have the qualities to grow together in a relationship and make each other feel good, desired, happy and supported. 

I think butterflies are great, the “spark” is fun. It can also be a trap. I’ve had much more fulfilling relationships without that spark, where the connection grew into something super meaningful and deep. And I’ve also had shitty, trash, dumpster-fire relationships where we grew out of our “insane chemistry.” I personally no longer consider the spark a prerequisite.

You said you’re dating someone new. It takes a looooong time to form a deep connection and attachment to someone. I think we are all fooled into thinking that “true love” happens quickly, and you just know. But really, it takes many months to build something. 

Ask yourself these questions: do you feel like yourself with this person? Do you feel secure and supported? Do you feel like you trust them? Do you enjoy the physical intimacy? 

If you’ve answered yes, then you have a good base to grow from. If the answer is no, and after some time you still don’t feel that connected to this person, do not try to convince yourself to stay. I am certain you will find someone you’ll share a connection with in the future.  

Have a question or need some advice? Send all your queries to loveandsexsalient@gmail.com.