Live, Laugh, Lav

Words by Lav (she/her)

CW: discussions of coercive rhetoric in a sexual relationship

Hi…

This boy I was seeing and falling for (and him for me) ended things after the first time we had sex. He can't have sex without a condom, essentially, and I’m not on anything hormonal and don’t want to be. 

He says he "wants to feel confident" during sex and that he gets anxiety when he uses a condom. Told me it feels better and he can stay harder without one.

And so he ended it?? Totally unexpected and I feel like absolute trash. He dumped me because he doesn't want to get used to having sex with a condom. I feel so shitty and worthless. Please help.

Dear reader,

I am so sorry that this has happened.

Condom related anxiety or dysfunction is common, and maybe even normal! But it is something a person can overcome. I don’t know what he is thinking, but it is disappointing he isn’t willing to work on a shortcoming he has.

It seems he only values a fantasy of what ‘good’ sex is and is only willing to live in that

fantasy. He is also willing to put you, himself, and others at risk of not just an unwanted pregnancy but also a whole myriad of sexually transmitted diseases and infections. 

I am glad that you weren't in a position yet to compromise on that, and that this person decided not to be in your sexual or romantic life anymore. Take time to mourn the loss of this potential partner, but know that you deserve someone who wants to work through challenges with you, not run away from them.

Hey!! 

I really want to know why are tickles actually better than sex?

Thanks <3 

Wow, a great question with many answers!

Firstly, do you have a tickling fetish? Many kinds of tickling fetishes exist. Are you into tickle torture? Just regular tickling? Tickling with a sprinkling of bondage? Sometimes tickling is deeply enmeshed with powerplay and exists as part of BDSM. 

 If that doesn’t sound like you, then I have a bunch of other ideas. 

Maybe you enjoy tickling because of all the attention your skin is getting. Touch is a super important part of foreplay, so are you having enough touch in your sex life otherwise? 

Another reason - for tickling to cause a reaction, there is a good amount of trust AND anticipation that needs to happen. Most people can't be tickled by a stranger that walks up to them on the street, your body just won't elicit any response. Think about it, how often do you giggle and scream before you're even touched? Trust and anticipation are both building blocks of good sex.

Maybe it is that with tickling there's no expectations to do anything, arrive anywhere or perform a certain way, and you get to laugh and play without any pressure. And how good is laughing? 

And finally, maybe the sex you're having is uh…just not that great?

Hope this helped my ticklish reader.

Have a question or need some advice? Send all your queries to loveandsexsalient@gmail.com.