LIVE LAUGH LAV
Hey Lav,
What are your thoughts on women going intentionally celibate? My friend is doing this and I know it’s also been a trend on TikTok. Is it something I should think about doing?
Curious on your thoughts!
El.
Hi!
I love this question!
Before we delve into this, I want to clarify that we are discussing the trend of temporary, non-religious celibacy. Please note I have little experience with religious celibacy and abstinence before marriage.
Firstly, do you WANT to do it? Do you actually think it would be beneficial?
You need to make a personal decision based on what you think you should do. I would love to give you a run down on my thoughts on this and you can make up your own mind.
Sexual empowerment = the freedom to have casual or premarital sex with whoever, whenever.
Regarding your point about women going celibate, it can also be noted that sexual empowerment has historically been linked with the women’s liberation movement in the 60’s. The poster figure of a sexually empowered woman then was someone who was sexually active and had numerous partners.
However, sexual empowerement is simply the ability to confidently say yes or no to any and all sexual acts. Sexual empowerment can come in many shapes and forms and its for everyone. By definition it is about an individual making choices that are absolutely correct for themselves and their sex lives. Being sexually active does not equal sexual empowerment if you do not have full agency over your sex life. And having agency over your sex life can look like dirty, kinky sex with 100 partners at a time, or a long period of celibacy. It’s all about what is right for YOU.
In terms of this form of celibacy that you are talking about, there are many scenarios where renouncing sex can be beneficial. Depending on how much of your life sex consumes, a period of celibacy can free up time and space to focus inward on your goals, studies, relationships to others, and relationship to yourself.
You can set up your own parameters alongside celibacy too. You get to decide what, how, and when. Is masturbation okay? Is kissing okay? Are you still dating? Are you going to go celibate in your relationship with a partner? Is it just intercourse you want to abstain from? If so, at what point will you stop? Depending on what you want to get out of a period of decentralising sex from your life, you can set up parameters that will work with that goal.
I think at the moment celibacy is a hot topic for many reasons. I think women, especially women in cis-hetero relationships, are finding that there is little empowerment in their sexual interactions. Anecdotes and scientific evidence tell us that cis-hetero women are the least satisfied out of all genders and sexual orientations with their sex lives, boasting the lowest frequency of satisfaction and orgasms in their intercourse. I think hook-up culture is a huge driving factor in the celibacy conversation. We can have more casual and safe sex than ever before. Isn’t that what everyone wants?
If so, why is it that some people feel empty after sex? Why is it that it actually doesn’t leave us feeling very good? Why is it that, yes! Sex is fun! But we feel vulnerable and confused and a little lonely after a hookup?
If you’re the kind of person that has found themselves in a pattern of sexual relationships where you don’t feel good, aren’t getting your needs met, and you feel sad and empty at the end of the day, celibacy can offer a great opportunity to break that pattern. It gives you a chance to reflect on your choices, wants, and values.
It can also be extremely empowering to have the guts to go through a period of discomfort. To vocalise “I am actually not having sex right now” to a potential love interest. Especially if you’re hoping to learn how to make better choices for yourself. The things you learn about yourself and, funnily enough, others during this period can be invaluable.
I personally felt very sexually empowered when, for the first time, I looked a new lover in the eyes and specified with no shame, no holding back and with full confidence, exactly what I wanted. It took me many years to get here. I felt equally empowered when I told someone I was seeing that while I was interested in dating him, I was not interested in a physical relationship at all. Not with him, not with anyone.
The key theme in those scenarios is that I knew what I wanted and felt I had full agency over myself and my body. I knew what was right for me. I didn’t compromise on my needs in order to satisfy someone else. During my periods of centering sex in my life I learned so much more about my desires and how I wanted to show up in my relationships. When I decentered sex, I learned so much more about genuine and deep connections with potential partners. Both periods were empowering because both required me to get uncomfortable and risk rejection.
So a few questions I would get you to think about for your own decisions are as follows. Why? What’s your relationship with sex right now? What do you want your relationship with sex to be? Why are you having sex? Try to answer that genuinely. Is it centered around your personal pleasure? Does it leave you feeling better than before having it? And who are you choosing to have sex with?
A dear friend of mine uses another term for when she goes through periods of “celibacy”. She calls it a sexual winter. I love this term because it reminds me that humans are cyclical and it can’t be summer forever. During winter, it’s nice to turn inward, get cozy, and be reclusive. This makes it so much nicer when spring rolls around.
Good luck!
(P.s. I would love to hear perspectives from LGBTQIA+ folk on their experiences with sexual agency!)
Lav
Can you give us a tutorial on how to give good head?
Hi you,
I love an always-learning attitude.
The Joy of Sex (1972) by Alex Comfort, and She Comes First and He Comes Next by Ian Kerner are all available at Wellington City Libraries. You also have endless articles and (gasp) instruction videos available on the internet. If any readers out there have suggestions on books on sex specifically for those outside of the gender binary, I would LOVE to hear.
While you’re at it you should read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski too.
Lav
Do you have any comments, feedback or questions? Need advice? Email loveandsexsalient@gmail.com