Horoscopes 14 August
Aries: It’s time for rebellion! You have to work, rain or shine, and it’s killing your health. I’d tell you to stop, but I know you can’t afford to. You need to change the system! Get your activist boots on and start marching for your rights!
Taurus: I’m getting two messages for you. I’m seeing fights and tension at your hall/flat, but also, you’re lowkey gonna be having, like, the best sex of your life. A strange combination, but you are always at your partner’s house, avoiding your flatmates.
Gemini: Your charger ain't charging. Your messages ain't sending. Your wifi ain't connected. No, it couldn't be? Mercury retrograde can't be on its way again, can it? Believe you me, I’m just as tired of writing ‘bout it as you are of reading it.
Cancer: You humoured a finance bro, didn’t you? No, I’m not judging, I just don’t think I quite understand why you would bother talking to a man about investments when his parents pay his rent. I bet he doesn’t have a licence (and follows Andrew Tate…).
Leo: Not your breakdown being extremely public... You might break up with your partner at a party in front of a room of people, then sob uncontrollably about it at your aunt’s birthday lunch. Good job, Leo, you ruined your aunt’s day.
Virgo: I’m really proud of you, Virgo. I’m seeing some character development this week. You’re asking questions in lectures (oh my!) and setting boundaries in your relationships (by golly!). Your confidence has come a long way.
Libra: You’ll witness a friend get their ego bruised this week (they’re probably a Leo lol). Part of you feels bad about it, but you will secretly enjoy this. They’ve been getting too big for their boots recently. Low-key toxic of you, Libra.
Scorpio: One of your friends is reaaaallllyy invested in your relationship. Like, too invested. Sorry, I know you had a similar horoscope a couple weeks ago, but what can I say? Your girl’s hot. That ain’t your bro, that’s a snake in the grass.
Sagittarius: You’re experiencing sticky fingers whenever you enter Countdown. As Aladdin said, “Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat. I steal only what I can’t afford (that’s everything!).” So fuck it. You’re doing God’s work. Down with Big Business.
Capricorn: God, Capricorn. Why do you always have to be the hardest sign to write for? I always have to write the same stuff. Okay, no. I’ll stop. I always give you tough horoscopes, so… Capricorn, I praise your consistency! Love you always <3
Aquarius: I write this with immense disappointment. I told you last week ^not to hook up with that ex, but you did, and now you’ve come crawling back to me for advice. Well, I’ve nothing to say to you. Consequences will come. You reap what you sow.
Pisces: There’s a major aspect of your identity you need to discover. Everything in your life seems perfect (well, that’s kind of a redundant statement for a student), but something is eating away at you. What is it about yourself you can’t recognise?