Horoscopes 4 September

Aries: Your life is great at the moment, but everybody else’s has devolved into chaos. Friends will be reaching out, and I implore you to not to give some ‘have you ever tried not being sad’ advice. Please remember empathy.

Taurus: What’s that I see you scribbling in your diary? It can’t be… it is! Taurus, you’re a modern bard with all the love poetry you’ve written recently. Well, you know what? Your attempts to woo just might work. 

Gemini: Get drunk with your mum and get her to spill ^all the tea. You’ll be having some healing conversations with family members this week. Expect closure on your parents’ divorce and the time mum sent your favourite shirt to the op shop.

Cancer: There’s a message draft sitting in your Notes app. Friendship breakup vibes. Well, whatever they did, I’m on your side. Speak your truth, king. Don’t be afraid. Send that shit.

Leo: Leo is Sugar Daddy and Sugar Daddy is Leo. You’ve come into some ^big coin^ (well, shall we say subjectively ^big coin^) and you’re spoiling everybody. You’re putting that recent birthday money to good use, I see. 

Virgo: I don’t even know how to write this one. It won’t all fit. The stars have so much for you and ^all of it is good. Like, prepare for a good ass week. Very proud of you, Virgo. You’ve come far from your typically bland horoscopes. 

Libra: Venus has finally stationed direct. Thank fuck for that. You can stop freaking out and being confused over whether or not you have crushes on your friends or just like them as people. God, are you 12? Glad to give you clarity, at least.

Scorpio: Fuck, Scorpio, I’ve never seen you so ambitious. You have a dream and boy-howdy are you chasing it. Though, I get the feeling that there’s something, or some^one you’re ignoring. What are you running from? Are you chasing, or being chased?

Sagittarius: Are you going TikTok viral, Sag? Are you making good content? What side of the app are you on? Crochet? Cottagecore? Harry Potter? God, you’re not doing POVs are you? C’mon, don’t be shy. Drop the @.

Capricorn: Ahhh, rough week for you. I wish I could give you some ice cream, but you don’t know me, and I don’t know you, so my hands are tied. Whatever you’re going through (probs a breakup) was a long time coming and you knew that, I’m afraid.

Aquarius: Goodness. How many confessions did you send into that Facebook page this week? Are you the person who slept with the racist RA? Or the one that keeps complaining about ^Salient^’s fonts? 

Pisces: You have the urge to move in with your significant other, don’t you? If you’re nearing your mid-20s, go for it! This is an exciting new chapter. If not, sit your ass back down on your parents’ couch and reassess your life choices.