Horoscopes 7 August
Aries: Ahead of you is a great transformation. And this isn’t just a ‘I changed my major, got new tattoos, and now I’m a vegan’ kind of change. Be prepared for the trajectory of your reality to be spun on its head. Be excited. Be confused. Be afraid.
Taurus: Time to rethink your flatmates. The passive aggressive notes on the fridge and the contemptuous messages to the group chat are slowly wearing everybody down. Maybe some people just aren’t meant to live together?
Gemini: Your week ahead: realise your unhealthy lifestyle is making you unhappy; watch That Girl YouTube; meticulously plan your morning routine; sleep through your alarm; neglect promised yoga; order UberEats; procrastinate. Repeat again six months from now.
Cancer: Don’t you just love having a friend who can’t understand the regular person’s financial woes? The kind whose mummy and daddy pay their rent and yet they still commit fraud to receive the student allowance? We love dishonest rich kids.
Leo: God Leo, your identity crisis is getting boring. Stop making shitty decisions that interfere with the trajectory of your life. Your current flop era has been never ending. Don’t text that guy from the club. He lurks in the manosphere. I know it.
Virgo: Do you remember that viral video when we were teenagers where a girl is duck-taped to a door? Her friends pull out the chair beneath her, then she gets caught by the neck and tries to run in the air. Idk, it’s giving you this week.
Libra: Why is nobody talking about the aliens? The US congress just had a meeting and they said they had an alien body in possession. What is happening? Your friends don’t know, and when you tell them, they don’t care. You’re losing your mind.
Scorpio: The Prince Zuko arc is underway. I have a feeling you have an irresistible urge to find and defeat the avatar in order to restore your honour. Sorry, couldn’t be bothered figuring out the uni equivalent for this. Avoid fatherly fire this week.
Sagittarius: Whatever you do, don’t forget your laptop charger this week! And don’t take any risks! I foresee an untimely shutting down of your computer, resulting in your 2000 open tabs being lost forever! Your research essay will never recover.
Capricorn: I’m not sure I like your attitude. Your opinions seem scarily similar to something a podcast bro would say. Are you about to tell me astrology isn’t real and that women must serve men? (Sorry to all the nice Capricorns. #NOTALLCAPRICORNS)
Aquarius: Hmmm. I see someone retracing their steps when it comes to relationships. I swear to God, you better not be hooking up with an ex! That is never the move. NEVER. I’m sick of your bullshit, Aquarius. I’m about to stage an intervention.
Pisces: Awww, are you a bit down in the dumps? Shhh, Pisces. It’s going to be okay. Chin up (don’t tell the others, but you’re my favourite) and these hard times will be over soon. Not even two weeks till a bit of a break!