Horoscopes 31 July

Aries: Wake up? Work. Finish class? Work. Weekend? More Work. Your bank account is full and you can actually afford to eat, but ironically, your health is suffering. Sorry, no advice I’m afraid. Just validating your experience in this ass economy.  

Taurus: Repeat after me, Taurus: I. Will. Stop. Seeking. Validation. From. Men. They won’t grant you self esteem, only trauma. Whether you’re trying to win men over with out-of-touch jokes, or hoping they think you’re cute, stop. Love yourself.

Gemini: I’m just gonna tell it to you straight: your flatmates don’t give a shit if you’re working and studying. You never do the dishes. They hate it. You’re one cornflake concrete bowl away from the ‘we need to talk’ text.

Cancer: Your secret will be revealed this full moon. You’re scared, but it’ll be like that time in high school when you were worried your friends would find out you play Minecraft. It turned out they all played it as well.

Leo: Oh God, did you try to change your hair yourself during this Venus Retrograde? Sir! What were you thinking? Well, it’s too late to say anything now. You’ve vowed never to look at box-dye again, and have sworn off scissors forever. 

Virgo: Your ex is a wanker. Stop internalising the bullshit they said to you. You’re cute. End off. No ands, ifs, or buts. Life’s too short to be crying over shitty people and even shittier relationships. Onwards and upwards.

Libra: Ooh, you might need to rethink that soul-mate best friend you made at that party the other day. I see some shady shit coming to the surface. Your flatmate has some tea, I know it.

Scorpio: I love the petty tension surrounding you this week. Your friend was trying to hit on your crush, but your boo’s loyalty came through. That's what we like to see. They only have eyes for you, even if the two of you ain't official yet.

Sagittarius: Bitch, you have way too much shit due in one day. You are dying. Email for that extension! Don’t give up before trying—unless you’re a law student… Might be on your own there. I hear they’re strict.

Capricorn: Something about your communication style isn't translating to your uni work. Did you make a slideshow about how to ‘gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss’ like a pro for your business assignment? Actually, I take it back. It is translating. 

Aquarius: Yikes. I feel for you, Aquarius, I really do. You finally met the parents, annnnnndddd… they suck. Ahh… oh well. Not much you can do except avoid future dinners and refuse to laugh at their problematic jokes. My prayers are with you.

Pisces: Not more conflict with your partner. Oh my. What did they say that hurt your feelings so much? Time to stand up for yourself. Don’t let anything go unsaid, ‘cause I feel the resentment building. Air that laundry out.