Horoscopes 3rd April
Aries: Accidents happen, especially to you, Aries. You're so impatient that you rush everything and end up making stupid mistakes along the way. You're currently reaping the results of a past accident. But don't worry, your recovery will be speedy.
Taurus: You're getting a sudden windfall of unexpected cash thanks to something you worked on ^ages ago. This is like filming an anti-bullying video when you were 12 and continuing to get paid because the company keeps using it.
Gemini: You look gorgeous at the moment. You bit the bullet and made the change you've been scared to make! You have the tattoos you've wanted since you were 15, and those sick Demonia boots you saw on Instagram finally went on sale.
Cancer: The chaos affecting your home life is finally ending. The landlords actually got around to fixing the busted stove and constantly flushing toilet, or maybe you've finally escaped halls! Life couldn't be getting any better.
Leo: Wow. You fucked your test up majorly. I don't even know how to put it nicely. However, I can see it's put a fire under your ass and got you studying harder than ever. Don’t fear, you'll see a massive improvement when you take the next test.
Virgo: Shhh, Virgo. Calm down. I don't even know what it is you're so worried about. Mercury retrograde isn't for a few weeks, so just chill out. You've done the hard work and now you can finally relax and enjoy your uni break. You've earned it.
Libra: Friendly reminder: you don't have to give up your favs to be gorgeous. Junk food is about moderation, not restriction. Drink that bubble tea and eat that Big Mac. I promise you'll survive and you'll still be sexy.
Scorpio: This week is the end of a hard time. Finally, some closure for you! Those difficult feelings are going to dissipate and you'll be your old self again. Crawl out of your hole and give yourself some shallow self care. Nails done and face masked.
Sagittarius: I couldn't care less if you think your heart's broken. Stop getting so dejected when your crushes don't like you back. I'd be more sympathetic if you didn't have a new crush every week, Sag. Just breathe and trust that the right person will come.
Capricorn: You're dreading something in the break. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you planned to see your favourite band with your partner, but you broke up and you still have to go. Is your ex refusing to surrender the alt-J ticket you bought them?
Aquarius: Stop being so damn generous with your money. You don’t need to pay for every date you go on. I don't care if you think you're earning big coin at the moment and can afford it. The bill should be a 50 / 50 split.
Pisces: What once was lost will now be found. That cheeky fid you lost last week was in your jacket pocket all along. I know, you checked there, but clearly you didn't look hard enough. Now go apologise to the flatmates you accused of sticky fingers.