Horoscopes 27th March
Aries: Your usually annoying habit of talking over people is paying off. You’ll be winning debates with drunk racists at parties and getting an A on any oral presentation this week. Proud of you.
Taurus: Your image is screaming ‘rebellion’. You’ll probably be chopping a fringe through blurry, angry tears, yet somehow making it work. You want a piercing but getting your septum done is “too typical”. Uvula piercing, here you come!
Gemini: One of your friends has a birthday coming up, and at their party the best conversation of your life awaits. It’ll be with a friend of a friend, who’s off their face but shares the same niche opinion with you on the ^Love Island^ finale.
Cancer: I see you Cancer. You can’t hide from me. Over the weekend you went on a bad trip. I’ll be honest, you ruined everyone else's night out. But the good news is that you’ve been sent on a spiritual journey. Whatever you saw has changed your life.
Leo: The universe has been making you feel left out. Great things have been happening to your friends. One just secured a dream flat, and another a dream date. It’s okay, Leo. Your time will come. You just need to be patient.
Virgo: Virgos, I hear you. I’ll write more positive horoscopes for you, just remember I can’t actually move the planets. But if you think I’ve been mean to you, you should read the shit I say to Scorpio every week. Xoxo, a sincere Virgo-apologist.
Libra: The astrological energy that’s making Taurus’ fringe look good, is making yours look… bad. I’m sorry! This just isn’t the week to experiment with your look! Well, maybe you can, but it'll be more of a learning moment than an actual slay.
Scorpio: Ugh, I ^know that you don’t want to hear this but I’ll say it anyway. It sucks that things aren’t working out in your dating life, but it’s for the greater good. Your energy needs to go towards other things. You’ll feel better soon.
Sagittarius: Uh-oh, it’s time for the dreaded situationship talk again. We all fucking hate it, but you’ve been seeing this person for months and ^still don’t know what they want. You’re a big kid now. Stop being scared and ask “what are we?”
Capricorn: Oh my god. This is falling in love with your childhood best friend energy! This is the return of a long lost love! Capricorn, you’re channelling your inner wattpad y/n, and it’s so adorable. How does it feel to live my dream?
Aquarius: I appreciate seeing you work so damn hard. I’m tired just looking at you. Just remember that there’s no point picking up extra shifts that make you so tired you have to spend all your extra money on convenience.
Pisces: You’re unable to spend time on things you usually enjoy. Actually, that’s bad phrasing: you’re spending less time with your vices. I’m a little impressed. You Pisces usually struggle with self discipline, but you’ve been doing well!