Horoscopes 24th April
Aries: You’ve been taken advantage of. This is some ‘friend sleeping on your couch, treating you like a therapist, and not paying rent’ shit right here. Little does this person know, they’ve messed with the wrong Aries.
Taurus: Woohoo, Taurus! It’s your birthday season! (Unless you actually listen to me and read your rising sign, in which case, I love you.) However, you’ve taken on an ‘it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to’ attitude. Don’t be a brat. Just have fun.
Gemini: Mercury retrograde is punishing you in petty ways. Double check that the message is going to your partner and not your mum when you send a sexy pic, and that you don’t talk shit about your friend in the group chat they’re actually in.
Cancer: You’re in your ✨^clumsy era^✨. The other day, I saw a woman absolutely eat shit coming down the stairs of a double decker bus. Must’ve been a Cancer. Major Cancer energy. Remember: 6-inch heels and public transport are not friends.
Leo: I’m seeing major career x love life tension right now. This is not a time to turn to the crystals and cards like you usually do. What you need right now is some pragmatism and to be brutally honest with yourself. Something’s gotta give.
Virgo: You’re tired of all the mercury retrograde talk. WTF does that even mean? From earth, it looks like mercury is moving backwards in the sky—a symbolic indication of miscommunication. There. You never have to feel frustrated again.
Libra: I’m feeling a resentment towards all things astro girlie rn. You had a run in with a drunk girl recently who took it out on you because her ex was a Libra too. I’m feeling a bit of tension—maybe I should head out?
Scorpio: The ex that fucked you over isn’t having a very good time at the moment, and you’re enjoying watching them suffer. You did well when you chose not to get vengeful, because karma is punishing them better than you ever could.
Sagittarius: There are only so many ‘recreational substances’ that your body can handle in a lifetime, let alone a single weekend. Throwing up at a work function, or greening out at your nan’s 80th, is a sign that things have gone too far.
Capricorn: Feeling a little left out are we? Poor baby. Your flatmates are tired of your know-it-all bullshit. If you didn’t constantly correct everyone’s grammar and use Latin phrases, you’d become more popular and lose the ‘weird kid’ label.
Aquarius: Are you feeling jealous and threatened right now? I know you love to look like you don’t care, but I’m sorry, you do, and it's time to get vulnerable. Don’t you know that it’s the fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder?
Pisces: I see you having to spend your money in boring ways. You want to buy vinyl and clothes, but instead you have to pay for dentist appointments and car regos. This is money well spent though, and even if it’s not fun, it will improve your life.