Horoscopes 29th May
Aries: Feeling the repercussions of last week's overspend, are we? That’s Murphy's law, I’m afraid. It’s only natural that your phone bill, power bill, and that friend you owe $190 for concert tickets would all be expecting dollars from you in the same week.
Taurus: You and that weirdo little friend of yours are finally moving in together. You’ve wanted this for as long as you can remember. Childhood goal unlocked! Be strict about what goes up on the walls, though. Their taste in decor is…unique.
Gemini: Gemini is this week's chronic over-sharer. Not everyone has to know your business. (And most people don’t care. I’m sorry, but you’ve introduced yourself with your deep rooted family trauma one too many times.)
Cancer: That assignment you almost forgot about last week? You’re getting a good grade. Why is it that whenever we work really hard on an essay, it barely passes, but when we start working eight hours before its due, fueled by Monster, we get an A?
Leo: Leo is trying to revive the emo movement. The holes in your ears have moved up a gauge and your lips are snake-bitten. MCR and Blink-182 have been on repeat. You claim it’s notalgia, but you’re hoping everyone else will catch on.
Virgo: If you think your horoscopes have been shit so far, wait till you hear this one. Don’t eat that week old rice. I see you missing an important appointment ‘cause you’re stuck in the bathroom. PSA: Rice only lasts 24 hours after it’s cooked.
Libra: Hahaha, I don’t know why I find your astrological energy so funny this week. You’ve just found out one of your mates has a crush on you and you're freaking out. I’m hearing you say, “Oh no! Anyone but them! Why me?” Well, be nice.
Scorpio: You wouldn’t happen to be friends with emo-Leo would you? I can tell you’re being a music snob atm (well, you usually are, but more now than ever) and won’t let any music you dislike hit the queue. Chill out, Scorpio.
Sagittarius: Sag, can you start replying to our messages, please? Being AWOL ain’t cute. I don’t know what you're doing that means you have to leave everybody on seen all the time, but cut it out. There are important memes to be sent.
Capricorn: Dear God, most of us are holding out for the mid-year break, but not as desperately as you, Capricorn. I think you may have to reassess your life a bit, mate. You’re overworked and under-paid.
Aquarius: Oooh, your partner’s jealous. This has ‘secretly dating someone, and since no one knows, you keep getting hit on or flirted with right under the nose of your partner’ energy. Why are you being so secretive? Just tell people and be done with it.
Pisces: Ahh, Pisces. I’m gonna have to ask you to stop taking on everyone’s problems this week. You're a caring soul, but that good quality is your detriment this week. Stop reading the news, and say no to people when they ask too much of you.