Horoscopes 10th July
Aries: Did you have a finding Jesus moment? I can’t figure out if your energy this week is ‘I’m over my cheating on my partner phase and moving towards commitment’, or ‘I’m over my ho phase and getting into yoga’.
Taurus: Unlike Aries, you’re the one moving into a ho phase. Low key, you’re going to have the best sex of your life this week, which is a very impressive feat since you're only interested in hook ups. Taurus out here making the impossible possible.
Gemini: You’re the wifed-up friend now. Your mates miss your dating stories – you always found weirdos on the apps. Now all they hear is how your partner’s oh-so-perfect, or how they hurt your feelings when they forgot the ‘x’ in the good morning text.
Cancer: You’re a bit addicted to the mock honeymoon phase that happens after you fight and make up with your partner. This one is the best, in your opinion, so far, but I warn you: there might be some red flags you’re ignoring for the sake of thrill.
Leo: Woah. Venus-Mars conjunction in your first house? I’m freaking out about this. Like, there are astronomical levels of sex appeal you’re providing the world with right now. But I’ll shut up. Don’t want to inflate that Leo ego any bigger.
Virgo: The Virgos are gonna be mad about this, but I’m sorry! I can’t move the damn planets! You’re a bit targeted by Cupid. I’ll admit, he’s being unkind. You tried the relationship – that didn’t work out – and then Tinder was even more of a shit-show…
Libra: I see ya, little fiend Libra. Every week you check your horoscope to see if there are any updates in your love life. Hahaha! Sucks to be you. The week I do love readings for everyone else, nothing changes for you. Loser.
Scorpio: I’m not even saying this cause you’re reading a student magazine. Usually my horoscopes have a student spin, but for real, the stars are saying you’re gonna meet the love of your life in one of your new courses this week. This is not a drill.
Sagittarius: Are you the one dating Gemini? I’m loving the unproblematic vibes. Everyone else seems to elicit chaos in their love lives, but you're coasting like a ^Love Island^ contestant who got all their drama out at the start of the show.
Capricorn: Typical Capricorn. You don’t give a shit about what Cupid might have in store for you this week. You just wanna know about your money. Yawn. Well, stocks are looking good I guess. What uni student has shares and investments?
Aquarius: In typical Aquarius fashion, your love life this week is chaotic. You complain, but really you love it. Your remorse is for show. In chaos you thrive.
Pisces: Hmmm, Mars is probably gonna cause some tension between you and your partner this week. Well, you’re in the wrong. Why? Because my boyfriend’s a Pisces… I’m not helping my case as a non-biased horoscope writer. I apologise.