Horoscopes 1st May

Aries: Does someone owe you money? I usually don’t say this, but stop being so generous. They, for sure, are not planning on paying you back.

Taurus: Taurus is getting some clout this week. This is a viral TikTok moment for you, or an Instagram post with four digits worth of likes. The attention won't last long, so don’t drop out to pursue your influencer career just yet. 

Gemini: This is gonna be a fucking week for you. You’ll have an epiphany about your self-destructive behaviour ($80 on weed a week=not good), you’ll have the best op shop haul of your life, and then a cutie will hit on you at work.

Cancer: You’ll construct the best break-up fit of your life. He’ll be crying into his starter whilst you’re sitting there, lashes done, wearing your latest Recycle Boutique purchase, and the fur coat you fought tooth and nail for at last week's clothes swap.  

Leo: Ha ha. Someone has to do a speech and they’re not looking forward to it. Sucks to suck. My social anxiety could never. Oh well. You’ll get a good grade.

Virgo: Poor, easily embarrassed Virgo. Someone in your friend group has a crush on you and they’re telling everybody. Other friends, colleagues, fellow students, strangers. No one’s off limits. Their proclamations will be constant and everywhere. 

Libra: God, you are just so tired of people only thinking about your looks. Must be hard, huh? If only they knew there was more to you. People don’t understand how hard it is to be pretty ಠ⌣ಠ

Scorpio: Oh wow, another identity crisis for Scorpio. What else is new? Calm down. Breathe. You don’t need to have an ego death everytime you notice your taste in music has slightly changed. 

Sagittarius: Are you arguing with your S/O over house shit? I’m seeing petty arguments about whose house you spend more time at, or maybe someone always leaves their dishes in the sink. It’s annoying, but don’t break up over it. 

Capricorn: This is a good week for meeting the love of your life. Or maybe just someone real cute. That’s it. That’s the horoscope.

Aquarius: So, you went for it and it didn’t work out. Chin up chicky. It’ll end up okay. It’s not deep—try whatever it is again later. Shit feelings don’t last forever.

Pisces: Alright, I’m gonna do something I don’t do often and give you some validation. That argument you had with your flatmate? You were right. They have a bit of a shit-don’t-stink attitude and you weren’t being unreasonable.