Horoscopes 13th March

Aries: Eeek! I’m not sure I like what the stars have to say about Aries this week… Seems like someone older is crushing on you. I’m thinking of your manager at work, or maybe a tutor. Tread carefully.

Taurus: If someone’s getting high this week, it’s you. Wait! I’ll start again. If someone’s getting high this week, and having a good trip, it’s you. Venus, the planet that loves a good time, beams bright and sends you one hell of a week.

Gemini: Oh, Gemini. You keep making the same mistakes. Even I can’t save you from yourself. I see a major freak-out (and the cheeky substances causing it). The good news? It won’t last forever.

Cancer: You seem full of hope this week. There’s no denying it. I’m so proud of you for breaking the crabby Cancer stereotype! Your confidence? Boosted. Outlook? Optimistic. Faith in humanity? Restored. 

Leo: Clashing with a friend again, are we? If you’re looking for validation, you’ve found it. You’re right. They are the person being a dick. This isn’t a ‘ditch the friend’ moment, but it is a ‘tell them off’ one.

Virgo: You’re doing that thing when you have a shit day at uni and take it out on your significant other. I can already hear you, “But Horoscope Wizard! I’m single!” I don’t care. There’s someone you’re hurting. Cut it out.

Libra: I’m not sure I should make this bold claim, but I know I want to. Libra, you’re going to have a wild revelation this week. The answers you never thought you’d get are on their way! A past hurt will finally be resolved!

Scorpio: Why are you so cold all the time, Scorpio? You’re jealous of somebody and it isn’t cute. Not very slay. Set your ego aside and celebrate someone else’s achievements for once. In all honesty, you’re being an asshole.

Sagittarius: You might have ambition, but you definitely don’t have any money. I see big creative plans and a lack of funds to set them in motion. Disappointing, but I’m not sure what you were expecting from your immature bank account.

Capricorn: There’s an issue with transportation, or lack thereof, for you this month. This has major ‘I grew up in Wellington and never learned to drive’ vibes. Or maybe just ‘I have a licence, but can’t afford a car’ vibes.

Aquarius: God, is money all you think about? I wrote about your financial woes last week as well. I hope you realise this is very boring for me. You better stop worrying about money by next week, or else I’ll start skipping your zodiac sign entirely.

Pisces: After the chaos of last week, you are feeling a bit apathetic. Oh dear, Pisces has forgotten how to feel again. It’s okay. Your zodiac sign is contractually obligated to cry every other day, so you’ll be back to normal soon enough.