Horoscopes 02 October
Aries: Your significant other is pulling you away from responsibility. I’m not saying that they’re bad for you, but pulling a sickie so you can sleep in with them isn’t the best idea when bills need paying. Not in this cost of living crisis, sir.
Taurus: Life’s expensive right now. For real. Fuck it, save your money. Take toilet paper from your workplace, sanitary products from the uni bathrooms, and if some groceries end up in your tote instead of the checkout, I’m not looking ;)
Gemini: A couple weeks ago, you were scrambling to find a flat, and now you’re scrambling to find a summer job. Well, I salute you soldiers for going through the whole CV-writing and application ordeal. I’ll ask the stars to give you minimal rejections.
Cancer: I’m not even sure if I should even bother writing for you this week. You probably didn’t bother picking up your copy of Salient, or even step foot on campus. There are two things you must do to be a good citizen: vote and read your horoscope.
Leo: You have a strong sense of rebellion, and I respect it. TP the campus like a teenager played by a 30-year-old in a high school movie made in the 80s. (Just make sure Taurus helps with the toilet paper. Don’t pay for anything in this economy.)
Virgo: One day you’ll stop stacking so many responsibilities on your plate. You know that humans can’t actually multitask, right? You’re just switching between two things very quickly, and being less productive while you do so. To do more, do less.
Libra: Fuck, someone’s really pissed you off. Omg, tea. Who is it? What did they do? Are you mad at your flatmate for drinking all your oat milk? Or your tutor for giving you a B-? Are you angry about the current NZ political climate in general?
Scorpio: Focus on your mental health, bro. Watch the lecture recordings if you have to. It’s not ideal at the moment, but don’t feel guilty. Focus on finishing the year. It’ll get better. Summer’s just around the corner.
Sagittarius: Did you get, like, eight piercings in one day? No wonder they’re not healing. No—tell me you didn’t do them yourself? I’m all for a cheeky needle and apple for the lobe, but for the love of God, don’t pierce cartilage yourself!
Capricorn: Capricorn feeling unmotivated? How uncharacteristic. Though more characteristically, you're putting low effort in and still getting good grades, like only you could.
Aquarius: You remind me of someone who still holds onto that whole early-mid 2010s ‘I hate comic-sans and that’s my whole personality’ thing. I’m not saying that you’re literally doing that, but that’s the energy you’re giving.
Pisces: Bless you, Pisces, but I’m just not sure they’re that into you. I think when they asked you to copy notes for a lecture they missed, that’s ^all they wanted from you. Oh well, your blissful ignorance is quite endearing actually.