Horoscopes 9 October
Aries: Your habit of buying AliExpress novelty stationery is finally being seen for what it is: a cry for help. You won’t find the change you need in Totoro pens that run out after five minutes, or 100 sheets of ‘Kawaii Journaling Glitter Cat’ stickers.
Taurus: Your friends don’t like the person you’re dating. No joke, all they do is talk shit when you leave the room. I’m sorry, but if all your mates don’t like them, that’s a red flag. Don’t settle.
Gemini: I can feel your manipulation through the page. I’m honestly a little scared of you, Gemini. You’ve been dating someone who loves all things tarot or astrology, so you message them at 11:11 every day to trick them into thinking you’re the one.
Cancer: Stop talking about how you’re gonna move out and just do it. We are all sick of the grand declarations that never go anywhere. Where is your follow through? If your flatmate sucks that bad, just move on…
Leo: Life is mundane as fuck right now. You miss when you were a kid who thought going to the supermarket was the most fun thing in the world, not a dreaded task that always ends in a declined card and groceries getting left behind.
Virgo: I hope you haven’t come here looking for answers on why you’re still single, because I literally have none. Even the stars don’t understand. You are literally gorgeous and yet here you are sitting around on your own.
Libra: We just love it when our shitty, minimum wage job won’t give us time off! Even when we apply months in advance! This isn’t worth having a crisis over. Time to quit. Shitty low paying jobs aren’t hard to come by, especially for us students :’)
Scorpio: Why are there so many sneaky love manipulators in my horoscopes this week? Well, just you and Gemini, but still! Your approach to love is playing hard to get right now. You’ll take a few hours to reply and won’t view their stories. It’ll work.
Sagittarius: Your ChatGPT essay got a B-. Not amazing, but perfectly serviceable. Well, I’m not sure what the uni expected from you. You work so much to afford your studies that you don’t even have the time to study.
Capricorn: You're so consumed with stress because you just don’t know what to do with your summer. Do you stay in Wellington or go back home? ^Gasp, you really have a tough choice. The world’s relying on you, Cap. Make us proud.
Aquarius: Stop trying to fit an aesthetic. Cottage-core, or Barbie-core, or whatever the fuck your Pinterest boards are filled with, just isn’t you. Not because I’m an advocate for originality, but because the stars have shown me your account balance.
Pisces: Congrats. You’re the last horoscope I’m writing for the year. Number 240. What an achievement for you, I’m honestly so proud. Now go buy a cat for inner-wellbeing, or whatever it is I usually write for these things. After 240 horoscopes, I’m exhausted.