What comes next? Aftercare, Online Dating, and Modern Intimacy

Words by Darcy Shaw (she/her) 

Recently, I was taking a break from studying to mindlessly scroll through TikTok and as I was swiping up and down, I started to notice a recurring trend. These videos started stacking up, each showing different girls laying in bed, arms folded, and glaring at the backs of their partners' heads. 

The captions read: “This mf just railed me and is now playing Clash of Clans.” Interchange the last part of the sentence with “Subway Surfer” or “Wordle” and you get the gist. 

What’s missing is aftercare, the idea that giving your partner post-sex reassurance and attention is of equal value as sex. This can be done in any number of ways: having a snack, watching a movie, or enjoying a hearty cuddle. Sex can be both emotionally and physically draining, and aftercare ensures each party is comfortable. 

Whilst aftercare should be a given, it is not necessarily the norm. 

Even before my TikTok findings, I’d experienced this first-hand. I’d been on multiple dates (some courtesy of Tinder) where “Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am” was the set menu. From my experience, one-night stands rarely resulted in aftercare, and online dates mostly ended in regret. 

Whilst the TikToks did not surprise me, they did make me wonder: Could the lack of aftercare be a product of modern dating, where potential hookups are “in your area,” and can be consumed and forgotten as easily as an app? Has modern sex become transactional? 

Many of our human instincts have already been reconditioned through technology. Want to eat? There's an app for that. Need to sleep? There's an app for that. I can't remember the last time I woke up without my phone alarm. Sex is no different. Online dating is one example of how our perception of sex is changing in modern times, with potential partners only a swipe away, and romance beginning with a “hey, wyd?” 

Whilst online dating has encouraged sexual liberation, when apps are aligned with easy access to sex, emotional intimacy and aftercare goes out the window. Are we going to meet Tinder dates with the goal of human connection, or is online dating a trade-in for sex? 

The online dating ritual of accepting or rejecting someone based on how attractive you find them is obviously objectifying, but it is also damaging to the person swiping. Separating a face from a mind, sex from emotion, and a glowing screen from a real person alienates both parties. 

So, how do we emotionally connect after sex when the process itself has become so transactional?

For many, the idea of aftercare might feel overly intimate, especially if it's with somebody you’re seeing casually, but I don't think aftercare has to be an expression of love. Aftercare could be a way of showing respect to your sexual partner as a whole human being instead of individual parts. It allows time for people to connect in a way that reminds them of who they are having sex with. Not a body or a name on the screen, but an individual who deserves human connection outside of a blue chatbox. 

If we could normalise aftercare not only in relationships, but in one-night stands or Tinder dates, it could change the landscape of how we value one another. 

Aftercare may be a new concept for many, so it’s hard to know where to start. Depending on the relationship between you and your sexual partner, here are a few different examples of aftercare:

For a one night stand, check-in with how they're feeling over a cuddle or a cup of tea. If it feels a little awkward, you could watch a movie together to connect and ease any discomfort. Take your time, you’re still getting to know each other.

Maybe you’ve been seeing each other on and off for a while but are still keeping boundaries in place? Bonding over a common interest (except sex) like a video game, TV series, or a crossword puzzle could be a fun reminder of your friendship. 

If you and your partner are in a more serious relationship, something more physically intimate, such as a bath, a massage, or splurging on an UberEats order, could be the way to connect. Aftercare reminds us that emotional intimacy doesn’t have to end when physical intimacy does. 

So, you want to go on your phone after sex? Hell yeah. Perhaps next time you open TikTok after doing the dirty, having a cuddle and collective scroll through the mind-numbing app could be a way to close that divide. Workshop a few forms of aftercare, and see what works for you. 

Or just put down your phone, bro. There's a naked woman in your bed.