Let’s Do Better Than Pornhub

Words by Maia Ingoe (she/her) 

The first time I talked about porn was in a shy conversation with my vivacious best friend. Have you watched it? I whisper-asked. Yeah, she had, once or twice. In the same conversation, she told me she masturbated too, and I felt a little less like a shameful sexual deviant. I was an awkward teenager, completely clueless about real-world sex, but with an insatiable curiosity.

I’ve come a long way from whispered questions, barely uttering the word “porn.” For many years, I felt a deep shame for seeking out my own pleasure, for having fantasies and enjoying them. I’m still hesitant to admit to watching porn—a shyness created by outdated perceptions that men are the sole watchers of porn, making women and non-binary people who seek it out overtly sexual or creepy. I’m not proud of my porn habits—it's easy to seek out a quick burst of pleasure by finding the first video on Pornhub’s “Hottest.” It’s harder to question my values in relation to the porn I consume, whether it’s made in an ethical way, and whether it’s limiting my ability to enjoy real-world sex.

Porn has been present in our lives from the moment we learnt what the word “fuck” really means. The days of sneaking a peek at your dad’s hidden copy of Playboy are long gone. By the time we started asking questions about sex, porn was already widely—and freely—available online, a second away on an incognito Google search. In 2018, the New Zealand Youth and Porn survey found that one in four young people had seen porn by the age of twelve, rising to three out of four by the age of seventeen. These statistics were headlined as “alarming,” but it was not news to us.

Inevitably, porn has had an impact on how we perceive and experience sex. Now, as adults enjoying sex on our own and in relationships, how can we have a better relationship with porn?

“I think a more mature relationship with porn will only come from having more mature and open conversations about sex generally,” said Dr Samantha Keene, a Criminology lecturer who has researched pornography and its place in people’s lives.

“It’s important to recognise that many people can use pornography in intimate relationships in really positive ways,” Dr Keene told me. “It can be a healthy way of identifying new sexual things that you might want to experiment with. But a lack of communication with a partner about what your sexual boundaries might be in relation to porn can certainly affect relationships.”

However we use porn, what’s clear is that we need to get better at talking about it. I’ve watched porn on my own, and with sexual partners. In some relationships, it’s been a regular part of our sexual routine (although our exploration only went as far as Pornhub). For others, it can be a source of insecurity in relationships, with a partner’s porn use causing discomfort and feelings of being cheated on.

Porn isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay. What’s important is communicating about pornography with your sexual partner, it’s place in your relationship, as well as your values on a personal level. We should be having these conversations with ourselves too.

I want us to stop being lazy with our porn use, and start putting effort into our pleasure, whether individually or in relationships. That starts with paying for porn: not only does it mean better content, but it’s also the best way to support porn that’s ethical. 

“Porn in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing,” Dr Keene explained. “[However] We do see levels of agression normalised in mainstream heterosexual pornography. That’s things like slapping, hitting, choking, and the use of derogatory language. These are very gendered in nature, so women are more likely to be the ones [on the receiving end of] those behaviours.”

All porn is not inherently violent or degrading for women. Dr Keene mentions the ethics behind feminist pornography, which present quite differently to the front page of Pornhub: “It can introduce different ideas and different concepts of what sex can be and the potential for pleasure.” 

Taking this in my stride, I’ve explored porn sites that present an alternative to the mainstream. The porn I’d like to see shows foreplay and aftercare, communication and active consent, and features bodies other than the heteronormative, cisnormative and skinny kind. Most of all, I want porn that explores the nuances of enjoyment and pleasure from all parties involved.

From here on out, you’ll find some of the paid porn sites I’ve enjoyed the most, and some that I’ll be steering clear of. I’ve prioritised feminist and queer porn, because I think it presents the most inclusive alternative to the mainstream hetero porn we’re used to—but it’s a format that all people can indulge in.

Video porn dominates the scene but other formats can be just as enticing. Dipsea is an app for escape, teasing the imagination through audio porn and stories. The content is delivered through a lush site of deep purples and always features honest depictions of consent. 

Audio porn was new for me, and I must admit it felt awkward at first, but I enjoyed the diversity of content on Dipsea—queer or hetero couples featured in stories ranging from softcore to rough and wild. Being a paid subscription service, Dipsea offers content that is better quality and pays its actors.

On MakeLoveNotPorn, anyone can share videos of real sex. It’s porn that shows the messy and awkward moments and welcomes bodies of all kinds. Their revenue-sharing business model means users pay directly for the videos they want, and that payment is split evenly with the stars.

ifeelmyself is a porn site that feels truly indie. It exclusively hosts “female masturbation” videos, prioritising “real women having real orgasms”. Ersties is a German founded porn site “with female pleasure in focus.” It’s amateur, real, and it’s fucking hot.

I’ve enjoyed exploring film-length porn—though it’s definitely not appropriate for cinemas. Cinematic porn varies, but the best ones have narratives, space for consent and foreplay, and make self-pleasure a journey that spans an hour or longer—a different experience to the quickened nature of a ten-minute video. Lust cinema is an example, their films aiming to show realistic sex weaved into a narrative of a feature-length film or a series. 

These porn sites are founded and made by women, and they pay their performers. They all have different subscription services, and through MakeLoveNotPorn’s model, you can directly support the performers you get off to. I’d be amiss to leave out OnlyFans: the platform dominates performer-created and controlled porn, enabling users to directly access and pay the performers they like. If you know who you want to see, paying for their content directly is best.

This article is far from an exclusive list. Everyone has different preferences about porn—so experiment to find what works for you. Instead of just choosing between categories and kinks, look into different formats: video, written, audio, live cameras, and comics, for example. 

Let’s keep talking about porn’s place in our sex lives and consume porn that, hopefully, is better than Pornhub.