Self-Care for Sex Workers
Words by Filthy Geographic
Content warning: whorephobia and mention of some dangers of sex work
Self-care as a sex worker (SWer) is a bit more complicated than other industries.
Thanks to censorship and stigma, it isn’t easy within our society to help each other or ourselves. It’s important for whatever job you’re working that you take the time to figure out what works for you. Everyone’s preferred forms of support are different, but it is essential to talk to other workers and learn how to look after yourself in this industry to avoid burnout.
Experiencing burnout in sex work is similar to other industries where a worker’s energy is spent on other people in intimate ways. Other examples of work like this include carers, therapists, and social workers. Signs of burnout can include fatigue, styes, breakouts, and irritation. I can always tell when I’m burning out because I start to rely more on my vices, avoid my phone, get the ick, cancel bookings last minute, and begin to resent my work. Navigate your needs by paying attention to what comes with your sector, whether that's escorting, sensual massage, domination, or dancing.
Sex work burnout is further catalysed by the effects of having to deal first-hand with pushy clients and our whorephobic society. Whorephobia is the combination of the fetishisation, glorification, hatred, and fear of sex workers, which creates dangerous environments for us to work within. The negative stereotypes and jokes are consistent within civvie culture (civilian/not SWer) and cause serious harm to SWers. This harmful behavior manifests through a lack of sexual education and has mislead our society into censoring sex and those in sexual industries.
Holding space online to communicate these issues has become harder after Donald Trump signed the FOSTA-SESTA bills, which falsely claim to promote the protection of sex workers from sex trafficking. These bills actually work to censor internationally built platforms like Instagram and OnlyFans, isolating online providers in Aotearoa—especially during lockdowns and the aftermath of Covid-19—and restricting accessibility to essential online resources, communications, and communities.
Another term to consider when considering sex work self-care is ‘whorearchy.’ The whorearchy is a hierarchy of privilege within the sex work community that is relevant to all types of sex work. Intersecting with and influenced by social factors such as sex, gender, race, disability, and class systems, it turns sex workers against one another. It impacts our abilities to support one another—like when a dancer I used to work with said to me, “yeah but at least I’m not a whore.” When you approach self-care resources available to you, be considerate and mindful of our entire sex work community, varying levels of experience, and the equity still needed for those with less privilege.
The following tips are compiled by a variety of workers and can be adjusted through our online platform, Filthy Geographic. You can email us your advice and tips for Aotearoa Sex Workers to be added to our feature online!
FINANCIAL STABILITY
Set work hours that are realistic for you and take into account other tasks you need to complete outside of work.
Newtown Budgeting and Advocacy services are SWer friendly and have a free financial advisor (they assisted me with budgeting and debt repayments).
Use SWer friendly tax agents like HNRY (an online self-tax agent that has an option for sex work) to keep IRD happy.
This also means anything you spend on your own physical self-care, such as manicures, skin-care, lingerie, and toys can be put through as a business expense for your tax refund.
MENTAL and EMOTIONAL
Avoid client forums—these are underbelly groups online that attack, grade, berrate sex workers they’ve seen. Creeps usually have a fat uncensored whinge.
Nourish your body with good food and seek support if eating habits become disordered. As sex work revolves around our physical appearance and desirability, it can put a lot of pressure on how we look. Speak about these issues with someone you trust.
Take the time during your bookings to explore your own pleasure. Communicate with your client about what you do and don’t like.
Masturbate outside of work! Explore a variety of sexual play and learn more about your own body and boundaries.
Prioritise relationships that validate your mahi. I have had a few relationships that previously negatively affected my work and increased my internalised whorephobia. While it can feel isolating to prioritise yourself, you deserve to find support in your community
Have hobbies and outlets outside of sex work. This could be studying, hiking, watching David Attenborough documentaries, or going out with your mates. Developing boundaries between your personal and work life can seriously help you take the space you need to stay grounded.
Talk to a SWer-friendly therapist about your mental health and wellbeing and take a mental health day if you need one to realign. This is a very intimate realm of work and if you’re not feeling it you can trigger a burnout.
Depending on if you’re an independent provider or working through an agency/club, you can have a fair amount of control in choosing when you work. Voice concerns with the New Zealand Sex Work Collective (NZPC) about safety, workers’ rights, and available support. They have heaps of resources online! Find them here: www.nzpc.org.nz.
Have a little black book, a journal where you write in after bookings to help process sessions and clients (also helps you not mix up regulars— its never fun asking a client how his non-existent wife is).
You could include their preferred name, time of booking, location, type of booking, length of session, and any notes about their physical description, how the session went, their behaviours and things about them that might help you remember them for the future (I had a client nicknamed ‘Birdman’ because he would mansplain his favourite birds to me).
Have a list of boundaries so you don’t push yourself with stuff you don’t want to be doing.This could include play, kinks and, roleplay that you don’t want to partake in. Maybe you have really ticklish feet and foot worship just isn’t for you. I struggle with clients going down on me, so if I'm not feeling it, I will tell interested clients that I don’t offer that. You never owe clients anything.
PHYSICAL
Depending on if you’re working during the day or throughout the night—make sure you balance your time to prioritise rest when you can. Communicate with your flatmates and partners if you need space to rest (noise cancelling headphones help a lot).
Drink lots of water and make sure to ALWAYS pee after sex! (UTIs suck).
Practice staying active outside of work with activities like yoga, running, at-home workouts, and the gym (these also help increase flexibility and stamina). Epsom bath salts really help sore muscles and body aches!! In some cases wrestling dominatrixes often train in clubs outside of work that help with technique and safety during their sessions.
Talk transparently to a trusted GP about health concerns (or visit the NZPC’s GP for free and safe health care).
COMMUNITY
Check out SWOA (Sex Workers of Aotearoa) for art exhibitions run by SWers for SWers.
Nomenclature corrections, (also for civvies probably best not to use these):
Whore is not a cute word to call yourself if you’re being a slut outside of a sex work context, just be a slut.
Hoe or ho, which originate from African American Vernacular English (AAVE), are terms that black SWers can reclaim.
Prostitute is also a verb, not a just noun, so consider whether you want to call yourself one and refrain from using this word for others (it has been used throughout history as a degrading term).
Check in with your friends working at clubs if they’re comfortable with you coming in to watch them dance before you just show up. AND MAKE SURE YOU TIP THEM! They are not dancing for free.
Communicate your boundaries around anonymity with those you tell about your work.
If you have a group chat, make sure that you have everyone's consent prior to adding others if it includes real names and profiles linking to outside of their work life.
Be mindful of talking about other SWers, be aware of their preferences, and avoid accidentally outing your friends by never using someone's SWer name interchangeably with their civvie name.
Enhance your sexual literacy with some blogs by other SWers (like Vixen Temple—a dancer in Tāmaki Makaurau) and read up on collectives like Demasque—a kink-centric space: www.demasquemagazine.com.
Consume media about sex work and sex in general. Watch the “Migrant Sex Workers” episode of Alice Snedden’s Bad News on RNZ to gain a better understanding of how work is still required within our communities to protect our migrant whānau. After that, watch Juno Mac’s TedTalk titled “The Law That Sex Workers Really Want.” Then read the book The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. It’s also important to strive to understand Aotearoa’s decriminalisation of sex work and how this sits within a global context.