How to Live Out Your Brazilian Goddess Fantasy

Words by Marlowe Toledo (they/them)

I am a Brazilian immigrant. I am allowed to write these things. If you take what I say seriously, that’s on you.



With the imminent opening of our international borders, many New Zealanders are itching to pull a few grand from their savings to travel to a tropical ~third world~country, become irrationally worried about getting robbed the entire time, and enjoy sights and experiences that we call “only for Englishmen’s eyes.”

But you, broke student sitting in a mouldy Wellington flat: Wouldn’t you rather indulge in this experience from the comfort of your own home-city, even though yesterday you spent the last six dollars in your bank account on wicked wings? Fear no more. With this true local’s non-travel travel guide, you can have the chance to experience life in Brazil—even more ‘exotic’ than your friend Maddy’s trip to Bali!

First you must realise that, much like love, Brazil is all around you. It’s in the very special surgery your favourite influencer had done to her buttocks, in your five undies for $35 deal at Cotton On Body, in your very special date-night intimate wax—seriously, why are we associated with all things genitals? 

Here are some ways you, too, can incorporate a Brazilian lifestyle into your daily routine:

Seduce a Gringo for the Visa.

This step might make less sense if you already are a citizen or permanent resident of a ~first world country~, but consider it a fun night out with the girlies. Pick the most mediocre looking white man with the highest paying job and offer him yourself: a Brazilian woman, a.k.a “the human female equivalent of a Ferrari” (I had to hear this out loud from a white man, you only have to read it). You get to escape your fascist dystopia of a home country and he gets to make racist, misogynistic comments to his friends about having bagged a Brazilian. Win-win.

It’s All in the Bumbum

(pronounced boom boom). You bought the nice-smelling but wrongly-spelled Bum Bum cream from Sol de Janeiro, but you don’t have money for a BBL. The world can’t get enough of the Brazilian butt, especially since, in the last decade, beauty standards have shifted to make non-European physical characteristics desirable (but only if you’re white and are trying your darn hardest to not look like it)! Unfortunately, without the Kardashian funds, you might have to resort to stopping your fetishisation of Brazilian women. But you can still smell like a caramel slice for $36–$74 at Mecca.

Enjoy the Simple Things.

People wonder why Brazilians are so happy and always down for a good time. While that may be a combination of copious amounts of Cachaça 51 and resigning ourselves to the fact our economic and political fate is in the hands of the CIA, the secret is in living a simple life. Brazilians are not money-hungry and do not abandon our working style when we move overseas. The secret to a happy life is growing up in a country where worker’s rights are as valuable as the spit on the sidewalk, where you kill yourself to prove your loyalty to the company, and still earn less than any other ethnic group in Aotearoa This statistic is for Middle Eastern, Latin American, and African (MELAA) women, because apparently these three incredibly diverse ethnic groups are all the same thing. Quit the cushy job your dad’s friend got you: become the Latina housemaid in your favourite porn and you will experience happiness.

Disclaimer: if you are from New Zealand Immigration, just know that I love Aotearoa so much. Please don’t throw my application in the rubbish.