DEAR AUNTY VIC #12
Question: I had a great friend group when I moved into the halls, but just before the break, they ghosted me and don't want to be friends anymore. I feel it's an awkward time to make new friends since everyone has already formed their groups. Any suggestions?
Answer:
I had a similar incident in Year 9. We were transitioning from intermediate to high school. I was shunned by the so-called ‘head honcho’. It was all ego based—she saw me as poor, uncool, and embarrassing. We’d sit face-to-face at her kitchen table, while unbeknownst to me, she sent me hate on ASKfm. At age 14, I felt so isolated that I’d cry myself to sleep on a Saturday afternoon. Being purposefully shunned by a social group solely to satisfy one person's craving for ‘popularity’ gave me excruciating isolation and self-doubt—a feeling I'll never forget. Especially when it’s nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the other person’s ego. I empathise with you, and I hope you make an effort everyday to be kind to yourself.
You state these people “don’t want to be friends anymore”. I’d take that as a blessing in disguise—good fucking riddance. I would hope 18-year-olds have developed a level of empathy that an entire friend group ghosting a singular person doesn’t occur any more. However, thinking back to my first year, there was a wank-worthy amount of mediocre people who migrated to Wellington and played it as a social hierarchy game to boost their Instagram followers.
Back to my point. Drop those so-called ‘friends’ and run. Don’t look back. Unless you have been toxic or disrespectful, they have no reason to ghost. Anyone who treats you like that is not deserving of your energy—and, more importantly, is not your friend.
Stop. Wasting. Energy. On. People. Who. Do. Not. Care. About. You.^
My next advice is going to require bravery. You have to put yourself out there. People will not come to you.
Aunty Vic’s Friendship Tips:
Remember people’s names and actively use them.
Break the ice with social media—follow, dm, etc.
Invite people to do activities with you. Walk to uni with one another, go to a movie, go to a gym class, share notes, study together.
Ask people to coffee after class.
Get ready with people before going out.
Your idea that “everyone has already formed their groups” is a common misconception. Ironically, most students’ biggest regret from halls is not ‘branching out’ enough. Frequently, people stick to their friends they met in the first few weeks of university. This leaves many people in toxic friend groups with shallow connections, whilst the friend of a lifetime is a stone’s throw away. I didn’t meet some of my best friends until the second Trimester—don’t lose hope.
Aspire to be the kind of person that everyone has something good to say about. It will take bravery, effort, and self-assurance to make friends, but your kindness and authenticity will make you memorable. Be the person everyone wants to be friends with because you’re a good person—not because you’re exclusive. If you do this, you will attract good people.
Friendships come and go throughout life, so don't let this setback define your future. Never again will you be in a space with hundreds of others who are wanting to meet new people—so seize it! Time to turn into a ray of sunshine and put your best foot forward. Likeness shall attract.