DEAR AUNTY VIC #13
I'm not experienced with casual dating. The only relationship I’ve ever been in was long-term. How can I avoid being too romantic and potentially scaring off my new partner?
I love this question because it’s the reverse of the common one: “How do I go from casual to something more serious?” Your concerns are totally valid. I’ve also found myself in this exact position.
I had recently ended a long-term relationship, and I found an absolute snack of a man in town. I knew exactly what I wanted: someone reliable, entertaining, and, in all honesty, a good weekend shag. Nothing serious! Anyway, it was a Friday evening and I was home alone. I flicked him a message, “Hey what are you doing later on?” He responded, “Oh I don’t have any plans, how come?”
So I said, “You should come over later! Everyone’s out at my flat for the evening :)”
That was all I said.
He then proceeded to freak out, saying he didn’t “want to start anything before summer”. Like, babes, neither. Just because I’m inviting you over doesn’t mean I want a relationship. God, can’t a girl just get laid? I had to assure the man that “I never saw us as anything more than a casual, Saturday night fling.” He then proceeded to get offended. Good God, red flag, red flag, red flag.
Back to your question. Firstly, you need to be absolutely clear what it is that you want. Reflect on where you’re at in your healing journey, and identify your wants and needs. There is no shame in wanting something casual, but you need to lay this out on the table from night one (or maybe two). Do you want something that might develop into a new relationship? Do you want a Sunday BZ? Do you want someone who you hit up once a month for a saucy sexcapade?
Fill your partner in on your expectations and boundaries, and establish a clear line of communication. An easy example of this is: “I am cool with us sleeping with other people, but if either of us do, we need to tell each other we have.” Another example is: “If either of us start catching serious feelings, we need to tell each other, so we can figure out how to navigate it without anyone getting hurt.”
This might sound excessive, but clear communication is what will save your casual root from going up in flames. Trust me, you don’t want to be four sleepovers in and wanting two different things. To be frank, this is just human decency, communication, and respect.
Aunty Vic’s Casual Sexy Time Tips:
Do not save their name in your phone. They’re a casual part of your life, don’t give them a permanent space.
Leave their place, or get them out of your bed, by 9 a.m. at the latest.
Always reward yourself after a casual slay with a coffee and cake. Enjoy those endorphins.
Do not communicate with them via text, Snapchat, or IG during the week. Those are relationship privileges.
Always use protection. When you are casually sleeping around, your regular partners have no obligation to be loyal (nor to tell you what they’re up to). So wrap that shit up, and normalise talking to your partners about when they were last tested!
If this relationship ever makes you feel anxious, nervous, ashamed, sad, whatever—it is not serving you. Drop it like a hot fucking rock.
While casual relationships can be fun, it's important to know your worth and boundaries. If your boundaries are crossed, or the relationship dynamic shifts, you have the right to speak up or leave. Enjoy it while it’s fun, then pack up and go. After all, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Have you seen Lulu’s at 2 a.m?!