DEAR AUNTY VIC #9
Question: My boyfriend and I broke up over six months ago. I recently found out that during the beginning of our relationship, he was wining-and-dining another girl. He told me they hooked up once and didn't have sex, but now I can't seem to shake the resentment and trust issues that it has raised. I'm in a new, healthy relationship, and I don't want to lose it. What can I do to move forward?
Answer:
Just because you are finding out over six months later, doesn’t diminish the hurt of their actions. Your resentment and trust issues are valid. Once upon a time, you were in a committed relationship with this person—it makes sense. I’m sorry your previous relationship is coming back to haunt you.
The feeling of resentment can be overpowering, and it makes the urge to write a ten-page monologue telling your ex all the reasons they’re a total piece of shit extremely hard to resist. I’ll be real though, doing that will not change anything.
If this person is low enough to cheat on you for a prolonged period and lie about it, they clearly have skewed morals and a severe lack of empathetic brain development. I doubt they’ll understand how they have hurt you. If they do, they’ve probably moved on from the relationship. They don’t deserve your time or energy. Let the consequences of their own actions reach them—it’ll come back to haunt them.
Like Taylor says, “Karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend / Karma’s a relaxing thought”.
Your present relationship is not your last. You are dating a whole new person entirely, and they have new values. You have to start fresh and leave this behind. I can understand that may be difficult, as I presume you trusted your ex and well… that happened. But let your new partner be different.
A big part of making this new relationship work will be taking a leap of faith and trusting again. Trust is a foundational value of any relationship.
To make this as easy as possible, I encourage you to communicate with your new partner. This will help them understand this experience, how it’s impacted you, and why you may not fully trust them as quickly. It can be a delicate process, as a new partner never wants to hear about the significance of the previous partner. I would preface what you hope to come from the conversation, like, “It would mean a lot to me if we can talk about this, so our relationship can start with a strong foundation of trust.” If your partner cares about you, they’ll understand the importance of navigating this with you.
Make sure to communicate your needs and ask them what theirs are, so you can have a system that works for both of you. This could look like agreeing on regular check-ins. Maybe it means your partner is extra transparent about who they’re hanging out with. Maybe you create a safe word you can use when there is something they are doing which triggers old feelings of distrust?
This may seem extreme, but it may be just what you need to develop that feeling of trust again. If your partner is dedicated to making a relationship work with you, they’ll be compliant with your needs. If your partner is not prepared to listen and compromise, they probably aren’t the right person for you.
Trusting the process is hard, especially when you’ve got valid reasons not to. However, it’s the only way forward. I promise this process with your new partner, regardless of the outcome, will be what supports you to move on from your last relationship. Reflect, communicate, and remember Taylor’s words, “Karma is my boyfriend / Karma is a God”.