DEAR AUNTY VIC #8

I feel like I spend too much time with my boyfriend, and not enough time with my friends and flatmates. How do I balance it all?

We all know that completely codependent couple who have, essentially, become one person. They share all the same emotions and are booked into the same schedule. 

First of all, congratulations. You’re self aware and have recognised that you’ve been neglecting your other relationships. 

You’ve identified the issue—the next step is to take action. I would suggest communicating this to your friends and flatmates. Whether it's face-to-face or over text, tell them you miss and care about them! Friendships, like any relationship, require mutual effort. Sending a single text saying “Hi… I miss you :( Can we catch up soon?” is enough to get the ball rolling. Find a time, make a plan, and commit to it (no cancelling just because your S/O wants to cuddle).

I can empathise though. When you and your partner have been accustomed to spending, say, every night together, any change in that routine might feel like you’re deliberately avoiding them! This is where open and honest communication with your partner becomes crucial. Let them know that they’re not doing anything wrong, you just miss your besties. 

If you find yourself having to justify why you want to spend time with your friends, that’s a sign that your partner is possessive. I would be gravely concerned if your partner cannot understand why having dinner with friends is important to you. A healthy relationship is one where both parties can respect the importance of having other relationships (flatmates, family, friends). 

Next step: to make time for all the important people in your life, you’ll need to get organised. Everyone's newly-adult lives get busier. Schedules become packed, priorities differ, and relationships, as a result, get complex. Treat maintaining your relationships like a job, schedule time for them in your calendar, and take it seriously. Don't just casually say you'll catch up with someone without making concrete plans, it likely won't happen.

Even if you manage your time efficiently, you'll still need to decide who to prioritise. The best approach is to consider who energises and brings you the most joy after spending time with them. If you leave a hangout feeling drained, it might not be the best use of your time and energy. Treat your time and energy as a valuable commodity. Invest it in those who will provide the most value in return. 

For all I know, you may be spending most of your time with your boyfriend because your friends are toxic, dull, or draining. If that’s the case, don’t beat yourself up for spending all your time with your man, it’s okay! Maybe it’s time to go on a friend-detox and look into the other areas of your life where you could build some core connections.

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