DEAR AUNTY VIC #21

I broke up with my long-term boyfriend a year ago. I know he wasn't the right person for me, and we clashed in so many ways. However, I'm still as emotional about it as I was when we first split, and I miss him so badly. How do I fall out of love with someone and move on? 

Firstly, there is no timeline for ‘moving on’.

You can date someone for years and be over them in a matter of weeks. You can date someone for a matter of weeks and take years to get over them. Don’t beat yourself up that you’re not there yet. You will get there, I promise! 

My gut reaction is that you’re nostalgic. That’s okay. We all get a little nostalgic about our past relationships. Even though you’ll love again, you’ll never love and live life the exact same way as you did with that person. Clearly, you understand why the relationship ended. You understand that going back is not a good idea, and it doesn’t seem like you want the relationship back. You just yearn for the idea of him, and  miss it for what it was. Again, that is okay. There is something about yearning, wallowing, and having such a strong desire for a person that is inherently human.

To process those ‘missing him’ emotions, write down everything you miss. Cry. Listen to sad music. Sleep. Then go back the next day and think: is any of this real? Often nostalgia has a way of morphing our memories into only positives. I know your rational brain understands that this person wasn’t the right fit. Remind your emotional side that is the case too. 

Reality is, the relationship is dead. You knew they weren’t the right person for you. If they came running back, begging to start again, would you say yes? I doubt it. So let’s look toward life outside of a relationship. 

Shift your mindset. Without him, there’s no more bullshit, no more arguments, and no more worrying about another person. Good God, it’s much less stressful isn’t it? The only people you truly need to focus on are you, your friends, and your whānau. But most importantly, you! 

The extra time on your hands is liberating. You’ve been handed an opportunity to do whatever you want. When you are newly single, it's tricky to think about what that actually is. Relationships are beautiful, but we always lose a tiny bit of ourselves to them.

So, start with something simple. Dedicate a Sunday to yourself. What makes you happy? Seeing friends? Your favourite gym class? Getting your nails done? Buying a book? Baking a cake? Think of one or two things that really make you feel good and do them! My challenge to you is to incorporate something slightly new when you do. Catch up with a friend you don’t regularly see, try a new gym class, or read a new genre of book. Make that Sunday activity ever so slightly different and edge out of your comfort zone. 

Secondly, I challenge you to somehow incorporate exercise (or just being outside) into this Sunday activity. Walk to the nail salon, grab a coffee outside with your girlfriend, read your book in the sun. If the weather is bad, wrap up warm and think of it as an adventure. 

Moving on from another person requires rediscovering yourself. Unfortunately, it’s lethargic to wallow in our nostalgia, often making a sickening cycle that blinds us to the reality that a more authentic, honest, and better version of ourselves is just around the corner. To move on, sometimes we just need time, and other times we need to reignite that spark of curiosity in rediscovering ourselves. Be curious and kind, and I can assure you there will be a day of break through just around the corner—you just have to help yourself.