DEAR AUNTY VIC #16

We want our previous flatmate and friend to come hang out at the flat, but one of our flatmates banned them. They had a fight last year which resulted in them being kicked out of the flat group. What do we do?

The cross-over between flatting and friendship can be one of the more dramatic life experiences. It's a constantly shifting dynamic that can rightfully test your tolerance and limits.

I can empathise with your situation. It’s difficult having friends your other homies aren’t a fan of.Having friends over to hang freely is one of the glories of leaving home! Kick-ons, movie nights, sleepovers— it’s a special era in your life where your best friends are a stone's throw away in their own dingy flat.

Unfortunately, your desired visitor has fucked up in a severe enough way to get them kicked out and forever banned from visiting. The question is: is this boundary reasonable and fair to you, your other co- habitors, and the desired visitor?

I would firstly advise having a one-on-one conversation with the flatmate who implemented the ban, and then your desired visitor. Revisit the argument and really try to understand each of their perspectives. This happened last year, so the magnitude of this event may have fizzled out in your mind. You may be reminded that this boundary is in fact reasonable. Or, you may find that your flatmate has processed a lot of the incident and moved on. You may find that your desired visitor is willing to apologise to your flatmate and attempt to build a bridge. The reality is, you will never know until you talk to them.

Secondly, I would talk to the rest of the flat. How does this situation make them feel? How does it make you feel? Work out your experiences. Do they think the flatmate is being reasonable or dramatic?

Once you have a clear understanding of where everyone stands, including yourself, look at the practical options of resolving the issue. You may find that the majority of the flat would like the desired visitor to come over, or the total opposite—they want you to keep them outta there. Could there be a halfway ground? Regardless, to keep the flat a safe space, you need to respect everyone's perspective and try to best accommodate them.

I want to iterate again that if this fight caused someone to be removed from the flatting group and be banned from visiting, I would presume it was a pretty severe fuck-up. Healing takes time, and you may find that, even a year on, some people are not ready. You must remember that a flat is someone's home. It is as equally their home as it is yours, and it is vital that it remains a safe and inviting space. Sharing a space requires compromise. If that means only catching up with your friend at a café instead of a sleepover, that may be required.

The same can be said in reverse, and I may be wrong in interpreting the severity of the incident. Your flatmate may be dramatic, and the majority of your flatmates may really want this desired visitor to come hang! If so, it is your flatmate who may need to compromise. You cannot control how they respond to this, but hopefully they can respect that same idea. It is as much your home as it is theirs.