DEAR AUNTY VIC #15

Is a significant age gap in a relationship weird or creepy, for example the gap between 20 and 25 years old?

CW: Abusive Relationships.

First things first, listen to your gut. If you’re questioning it and have any feeling that it’s weird, then it probably is.

The appropriateness of an age gap in a relationship depends on the individuals involved. Let me clarify: if you were to ask me the same question about a 16-year-old and a 21-year-old, I would raise a red flag. However, as long as you’re both not underage, a person's emotional maturity and life experiences are not solely determined by the number of years they've orbited te rā.

Two individuals who are both 20 years old may have vastly different levels of emotional maturity and life experiences. Someone who is 23 may be a lot less mature than someone who is 21, depending on their background. Age is just one contributing factor and doesn't exclusively define a person's personality, thoughts, or actions.

Nevertheless, there is an inherent issue with power dynamics that can often accompany an age gap which can lead to the potential exploitation of the more vulnerable partner. Although the questioning from family and friends about an age gap may be frustrating, the truth is that where there's smoke, there's fire. Significant age gaps do have the potential to be exploitative. 

This is highlighted in pop culture. Phoebe Bridgers released the song ‘Motion Sickness’, targeted at Ryan Adams, a singer 20 years her senior who Bridgers has spoken out against for his sexual misconduct and manipulation. Then in an iconic move, when sharing the stage with Billie Eilish, Bridgers got Eilish to sing the line from the single “And you, you were in a band when I was born". This was to highlight the fact that Eilish (21) was publicly dating a man 11 years older than her.

We aren’t all Phoebe Bridgers and Ryan Adams. Not all relationships with an age gap are unhealthy, and not every relationship with an unbalanced power dynamic has an age gap. Like I said earlier, you need to ask yourself: are you scared of the age gap and its stigma, or is your partner abusive? Do you feel taken advantage of or vulnerable?  

Age gaps may enable and contribute to controlling behaviour, but I am unsure if it is fair to assume that someone is weird or creepy solely because they are five years older. If your  partner is creepy, exploitative, or abusive, it’s because of their personality, not because they popped out of a vagina five years before you. 

In response to your question, an age gap does create a greater potential for power imbalance, but so does a being with a shitty person. It's important to note that the age gap itself does not guarantee that your relationship shall have problems; and if you have problems, I doubt the age gap is the sole reason for them. 

It is ultimately the individual's personality, thoughts, actions, and decisions and how they go about having a relationship that determine a relationship's health. I would ask the people closest to you what they think of your partner, after they’ve been around them and got a gauge of your dynamic. Often our friends can spot red flags, or even green flags, better than we can. 

But at the end of the day, trust your gut. If you think it’s creepy, it probably is! But if you’re happy and just worried about what others think, then remember that it’s your relationship, not anyone else's! Just because there’s an age gap doesn’t mean it’ll be unhealthy.