DEAR AUNTY VIC #17
What distinguishes dating from hooking up, and how can you tell when you've transitioned from one to the other?
If you’re hooking up, you only see each other to smash. If you’re dating, you smash and then go do other stuff. You know, like, you go get Romeo’s on a Sunday morning or go get a library card issued together. There is a clear distinction between wanting to see this person just to get down and dirty, and wanting to actually spend quality time together. To be honest, you’ll know in your gut what is happening.
It is clear, and it is all in the name. Hooking up is simply hooking up. Dating is when you’re going on dates. Whether those dates look like dinner and movie out, or writing uni assignments last minute together after a saucy sesh, is for you and the partner to navigate.
I am sure you are now yelling “It’s not that simple!” Trust me, I know, the lines blur. But it is only messy if you or your person are in denial about what’s occurring. For example, I was sleeping with someone, being FaceTimed and drunk-texted. He’d message me “I miss you” and that his “parents know all about” me. But at the same time we “weren’t anything”. The situation was only messy because he was in denial about his feelings, and I was romanticising something with someone who wasn't there.
But, back to basics, we weren’t going on dates, we were just hooking up.
If you’re feeling confused about where you stand with someone, I would grab a journal and write down a list about the realities of the situation. For example, that list may look like:
1. We sleep together every Saturday.
2. They take hours to reply to my texts.
3. They told me I was pretty last weekend.
If that example list is close to your reality, I’m sorry to break it to you, you’re not dating. However, if dates are occurring and compliments are being exchanged, you may be dating or close to it. The messiness comes when you merge your emotions with logic. It’s difficult to keep these separate, but when navigating the world of hooking up or maybe dating, it's essential to take a step back and process the realities of the situation.
At the end of the day, if you are feeling confused and don’t like it, just ask. If you think you’re catching feelings, you need to chat with this person and see where they’re at. If they can’t give you a straight answer or their answer differs from your feelings, then sorry babes, it’s time to drop them and run, or you’re just gonna get hurt.
You need to be on the same page. You need to want the same things out of a dynamic. Think about it. If you’re just looking for a hook-up, you want to be with someone who wants the same. It’s okay to just want to hook-up, you just have to be honest.
If you’re looking to date someone again, you’d want to be with someone who wants to date, and more importantly, wants to date you. Don’t be with someone who can’t even say they want to take you out to dinner. That’s pathetic.
If you’re still confused after communicating, you’re not hooking up or dating, you’re being fucked around by someone who doesn’t know what they want. Life is too short to wait around for someone to potentially want you, you’re better than that! You deserve the person who can’t wait to take you out on dates and call you their partner.
Understand what you want, and go get it. Stop wasting your time on fucking losers. And if you just want a hook-up, make sure the other person wants that too, otherwise you’re the fucking loser.