Yeah the Boys! Conversations On Love

Words by Lauren Walker (she/her)

Last week I interviewed some of my male friends to get their opinions on love and relationships. Their names have been changed in order for them to remain anonymous. 

When I asked them what their first memory of love was, I was told stories of a mother’s love, of spending time with mates. Tiny intimate moments which slid between the seconds and minutes. 

In contrast, the answers I received about their experiences with love and relationships as adults, seemed hopeless. There was an obvious feeling of pressure to find something meaningful, or on the flip side, to push love away altogether. 

While women are privy to heartbreak, outspoken, and excitable about love with their girlfriends, it’s not often that we get to hear the male perspective. It was an honour to be trusted with these mens’ thoughts, feelings, and opinions on matters so personal and close to the heart. 

Here are some of the things they said. 

What is your earliest recollection of experiencing love?

Luca: We went to church a lot when I was little, which is incredibly boring for little kids, and I’d often fall asleep or be very tired at the end of it. One of the times when mass finished I was really tired, so my mum picked me up and carried me. I would play with the small necklace that she wore when she carried me. I felt safe, warm, and comfortable. It felt like as long as I was here, everything would be okay.

Tell me about a time when you felt love?

Dami: The easiest times to explain are the ones when you are a bit fucked up and you look

around and see all your friends doing exactly what you want to be doing. You just feel

overwhelmed with happiness. Most of the time this is at parties/festi[val]s, as the environment

helps. But I have felt this feeling on quiet Wednesday nights too, when all we do is

sit around and yarn and watch sport.

Have you ever had your heart broken? 

Andrew: I’m a bit of a chronic romantic, so this happens more often than I’d care to admit... Starts with confusion and processing their side of the story, which is normally contrary to the narrative I’ve constructed in my brain. Next comes the big sad, and feelings of not being enough or [wondering] what you could have done differently. 

Jay: I have had my heart broken many times in love, friendship, and life. Each time has forced me to examine myself in my most vulnerable state. I think it’s difficult to pinpoint the wave of different feelings you experience when someone or something breaks your heart. I realise my ex-girlfriend breaking my heart made me feel grief and loss, the same kind I’ve felt when people I’ve loved have died. Grief that accompanied a sense of real failure as a man and as a romantic partner.

What is your favourite part about dating?

Luca: That feeling after you[’ve] met and clicked with someone and you know you wanna see them again. All of my positive dating experiences have started this way, completely unplanned encounters with no agenda to find someone.

What is the most ridiculous thing you've ever done to impress someone?

Jacques: Incredibly embarrassing, but for some reason throughout Year 10 I was interested in this girl who was sought after by a few people at the time. We were chatting on the landline phone, and I can't exactly remember how this happened, but I ended up singing “Little Things” by One Direction over the phone to this person, thinking it was going to make them think the world of me.

What is more important to you: an emotional connection or a physical connection?

Jacques: I'd have to say emotional connection. You can go out to town on any weekend and have a physical connection with someone and never speak to them again, yet an emotional connection is a lot harder to gain and not something you can just not associate with so easily.

What is your biggest regret in your romantic dating history?

Andrew: My biggest regret in dating, I think, would be not expressing my own feelings enough or how I think about specific things. I think keeping a lot of my own personal feelings to myself and letting things bottle up is what leads to the majority of my relationships ending or becoming distant. Because I don't express how I feel, I can't expect change, yet will still want change. 

If you could change one thing about a past relationship or romance, what would it be and why?

Luca: I faced a lot of rejection in my life. They say you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Well I missed nearly every single one I did. Still, as much as this masochism hurt every single time I was rejected, I wouldn’t change it. There’s a very primal form of hurt in rejection, being told you’re not good enough as a male. But once I began sorting my life out I met my current girlfriend, and all that pain was worth it because it made me a better partner than I would have been otherwise.

Are you in love right now?

Dami: I’m in love with my current partner and we live together. When I travel for work […]  seeing my partner when I get back is now so much like coming home in a metaphorical sense. I feel back at peace and grounded again. I feel warm and safe and still. 

I asked the boys whether they ever open up to their mates about love.

Davide: I'd say it's a lot harder to express the feeling of "love" with other males without the fear of getting roasted or sounding soppy. It's somewhat seen as a soft subject, so to be talking about it a lot in those kinds of environments can make you look soft to the wider group.

Luca: 100%. I'd say that men find it difficult because of the expectations that are put on men to not express emotion and just get on with things. For men it's a lot harder to talk about things because they don't want to be seen as weak or helpless.

Andrew: Not at all. I’m not sure what it is, but I rarely feel comfortable sharing this stuff with my male peers (think maybe once a year). The one exception is my brother. When the topic does come up, we normally just discuss the facts and not the feelings, under the guise of humour.

Jay: Idk, it’s the classic cliche. You need to be strong. With girls, I find I can ask a simple “how you going” and they’re fully equipped to tell you how and why in full detail. With a lot of guys, they really aren’t, and you end up having to ask a lot of leading questions to get something out of them. I have a good group of friends and we're all pretty comfortable talking about our love lives and struggles with relationships. I don't think this is the norm though. I think a lot of guys don't have people they can talk to about the more sensitive aspects of their relationship.

Jacques: I wouldn't say “afraid”. There’s a societal expectation put on men by men and women to keep issues to yourself. Women say they wish guys could be more open with them and be emotional, but I don't think that is true or necessary. Men don't need to cry over their feelings to feel better about them all the time. Most of the time we just want a solution.

Dami: It’s especially unsettling opening up to someone who hasn’t opened up to you. I think this response being in written format and you being a woman has probably yielded great results. [This is compared to] if the interviewer was male and in person.