Twerk Werk
Words by Lofa Totua
HEADLINES
The recent release of “WAP” by powerhouses Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion has seen an uproar online from righteous critics. Many claim—in the name of feminism and empowering women—that the video and lyrics are in actual fact, not art. Receipts state that these critics are concerned for the role models young girls have today and the glorification of wet ass pussy. My sources understand that the collective response from women across the world—some who like the song, others who don’t—is that if any critiques should be made, they are to be directed towards the parents and beneficiaries of the patriarchy. Refer to the rap industry’s long history of misogyny. See below the aesthetics that the patriarchy has been gatekeeping from “female rap artists” (as opposed to just artists).
Superiority
Your bitch thinks she's tough but I’m psycho! (Flo Milli, “19”)
Arrogance
Do you see the format? This ain’t no floppy disk. This is
the original PDF! (Princess Nokia, Interview with V FILES)
Monetary Success
Never let a sack chaser hang in my clique. Fuck getting clout, bitch, I'm tryna get rich. (Megan Thee Stallion,
“Money Good”)
Saviour Complex Type Love
S-s-s on my chest, I’m ready to save him (Nicki Minaj, “Your Love”)
REAL TIME
Nina what the fuck is this slow shit? We are not in our feelings today. Save it for church.
She’s right sis—pass me my hot bottle.
Put on some Rihanna
Nah, nothing too powerful yet.
Yeah, it’s too early.
Oi nah be honest—should I change my top?
... I think yes.
Tasi, can you stop fucking filming I haven’t finished blending yet.\
We’re gonna be here all night by the time you’ve finished,
I told you to start ages ago.
Can you guys just hurry up so we can do the Tik Tok together?
Grace, come straighten the back of my hair, I can never do this part.
Okay, what’s our route? What’s our schedule?
I reckon we start at Lulu’s for the vibes, El Barrio to pull and then Sassy's for the music.
Nah, nah, nah. You’ve got the order wrong you dumb bitch!
Hard, why would we pull second? That doesn’t make any sense?
Uhhhh yes it does—in case it goes wrong for someone, we can just go dance?
You mean if it goes wrong…. For Grace, you sad guy!
No that’s not what I–
Varied cackles and hysterical hyena laughter
I hate you all.
Let’s go to Lulu’s for the shots, scout out El Barrio, get Tessa’s boy to let us in at Sassy's, dance there for a bit AND THEN come back to finish at El Barrio.
Perfect!
Yes, that’s way better.
If I had known I would have had some Powerade, that sounds like a lot of walking.
Uber bitch!
How does my wing look? I want something kinda like
Amy Winehouse but not as heavy.
You can’t do Amy Winehouse and then not follow through with the hair.
Or the drug addiction.
Nina! That’s so insensitive!
Oh shut the fuck up.
If you’re Amy then I’m Megan.
Screams, hints of twerking and choruses of ay ay ayyyyy
Wait!! I haven’t started drinking yet!
Catch up, sweetie.
Nah, Ruth’s almost finished her hair, let’s wait.
What about me? My face ain’t beat!
We look so goooooood.
Hard, I’m glad I came out.
I’m putting her on!
Squeals, as Megan’s Simon Says commences
Hello, hoes and fellow thots, I’m Ruth and I will be leading today’s class in–
(in unison) TWERK WERK!
From hoe season to hot girl scholar, you are that bitch. This journey is about living your best life. We welcome new student: Kelly aka Amy. Choose an area, Miss Winehouse, quickly!
(mockingly) I’m so honoured, I have–
Move bitch!
Okay does my ass look good or does my ass look GOOD?
Fuck I love us.
Lesssgoooo!
Megan Thee Stallion increases in volume and everyone begins to shake their ass
Simon says put your hands on your hips, huh
Simon says put your hands on your knees, ay
Simon says put your hands on your feet, ay
Simon says bust it open like a freak, ay
(in unison)
Left, right, left, right, left!
Left, right, left, right, left!
Left, right, left, right, left!
Hah, hah, left, right!