Love Letter Season: A Compilation of Curated Perfection and Mess Left Unsent
Lofa Totua | She/Her
RE: (2021, send the message)
You are an old cunt.
Fuck a corporate with no purpose purpose is nothing without people the same goes for Brown Boy Geniuses yup it’s the: closing the door quietly so no one can hear and throwing away the key for me you ever been cockblocked silenced palagi eyed I’m wearing the suit of authority by your own before? Respect all *white* women internalised hate so deep you’re fucked what’s left of your knowledge is liquified for your own interests self-Investment for life mindset guaranteed low return for your soul. No one wins until we all do right?
Honour Te Tiriti but also reject all formalities by nature of email, meeting, zoom meeting, and evil deadlines.
At 10pm we commence our exclusive $8 Merlot—Brown Brother’s and Soju are also acceptable—kafao club. We been on hiatus, but did you hear? Only 3 periods left until the end of year or whatever. Only 3 weeks of that 1 week before the devil enters the womb, where we live in excessive craving and nah I’m not really depressed I was just menstruating lmaooo. Pre COVID we attended home grown gigs from local acts at least twice a month—but not those alty elitist flex dabbling in bisexuality I only wear Zambesi and I cut my hair professionally to look like a home job ones ugh.
We enjoy utilising public transport daily for a better planet but also because we can’t drive. We practice higher consciousness by twerking, shopping at op-shops, local markets, learning about the reclamation of land back and listening to hypersexual lyrics demonstrating agency from women. Today we are working on developing an Aukilani group. However the following requirements go against the cultural fabric of the JAFA community: wear whatever the fuck you want, do not care about what people think of you and greet people with a smile—mornings included. If you are interested in joining please know that we don’t fuck with people who look down on what a person does to get. Dat. bread. Sex workers and dealers are welcome to celebrate life with us.
In first year I was crying to Diggy Dupe’s K.O.T.I.C and the closest thing to comfort food we could get was chips and dip from the dairy that closed at 9pm. My obsession with Brando’s ‘A man who never spends time with his family, can never be a real man’ excused all faults and crimes if family was the reason. (Also, why do my favourite movies gotta be so sexist and violent?) Family over everything is unhealthy, only God can satisfy all your needs. I think.
Finding comfort in art galleries. (‘Still bipolar with the bank card, $9 in the bank, fuck’. Eno x Dirty) Structure on paper. Anger, confusion and dismissal in black spidery lines. Purity and bloodlines. Cultural crisis and maxing out on all addictions before 21: a rite of passage.
(edit—this loosely translated to present day colloquialism is: fuck you, you lyin’ ass, schemin’
hoe, you ain’t got shit on me.)
Hear from me, not about me. Are u so quick to think the worst? I give you permission. I will farewell the time you wasted painting me evil. Your words and my shame will fall from my conscience and dive from the cliffs of my mind. Deep, deeper still into the ocean of my memory, lost. With all the worst words I’ve heard, thoughts I’ve had and pain I’ve seen. In time forgotten and replaced with renewable aching and the rangeeeeee darling! Aue! You have released from me everything that I was not: teine lelei.
Darling Taualofa. From Head Girl Student Body to *temporary this will pass* University drop out (sorry not sorry, you’ll see what I mean) you are gold. Samoa is fun and you can speak pretty well for a 5 year old, but you won’t be living there for long. You’ll return to Aotearoa to a beautiful childhood but you give up speaking the language. Don’t. From Year 7, you meet Shit and she fights you like Adesanya—who you also get to meet, but I’ll cap the surprises for now. Your greatest superpower is your warmth, stay soft. You piss me the fuck off to this day but I wouldn’t want to call any one else’s mind home. The monobrow disappears.
Find grace in rising above and wisdom in education outside the classroom—from mentors, from the dirt, from Indigeneity. Take a break from the grueling mind wars, aren't you tired yet? Remain constantly challenged by duality and realise your contribution will evolve and that’s okay. Do something every day, no matter how unglamourous, that moves you towards tomorrow, towards beautiful things you are worthy of receiving. Keep warm while the cloak of whiteness, shame, and self loathing burns. The light will catch on your jewels and siva across your brown skin.
my shroud is renewed every season. some nights the thick ink drowns on its own, and the kill is self-serving. on others, blood illuminates and all is lucid there will be death in discernment the bank of courage bankrupt peace, strained empty is mine honor passion is fatigued love depleted, the city: closed. once the vessel is heavy with dirt. tenderness is evenly paced until the end of time with each tug and pull of cloth arrives immortality soon, all forms of erudition fade except muscle memory.
before: the sun seeps hot the rain breathes with vigor our grass fields are endless for when He comes to hew long aching hours of gratuitous cruelty uninterrupted force, more vehement on each blow. what is immeasurable? our demise is sweet and daily. it has only ever truly finished once.
Sent: Thursday 14th March 2019
11. ‘Lofs wants to write for you’ excerpt:
There is always room for improvement. A few things I’ve noticed:
There have been few Pasifika voices in the Salient. This may be (letssss be honest is MOST LIKELY) due to the lack of willingness and/or
engagement from my fellow Pasifika brothers and sisters. I know that an entirely Pasifika focused issue is within sight for later this year—but it
would be mean - and in some ways necessary—to have a regular voice in the Salient. For those like myself who grow when reading shit
written by someone like me. Young. Brown. Female. An opportunity to explore the interdisciplinary nature of a Pacific person and Pacific
people, as well as our valid opinions.
There have been few pieces in regards to the high stakes and expectations placed on a student... if they fail to do well at UNI. No I’m not
talking the pressure of choosing a random course to make up for points. Amongst other things. I’m talking about high stakes—involving
serious risks if there is no success. What about the kids who don’t have safety nets to fall back on? The ones who have people to support?
Whose weight of transgenerational trauma is just nek level? Lol. You know what I mean.
So yeah. I want to contribute so that I can speak with those in our Vic family who can’t—without speaking FOR them or OVER them of course. I
don’t want to be limited to an area like “opinion” or something. Instead I would like to write from my own experiences, through interviewing
others, with humour and with humility. I’m here for the FUBU—For Us By Us—position.
I have limited proof that I am a good writer. So I understand If you think I should just piss off and write a blog or something with all these
demands as topics. FEEL FREE to tell me laters if you think I should lol. Please let me know if you can fit me in somehow tho, I’m unsure how it
all works.
I write better than I talk irl. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Lofa
living good living great chehoooo
Thank you to Kii and Janne for believing in me
and Rachel and Kirsty for keeping me around.
Reaching out to Salient is the best thing I ever did.
Forever grateful <3