DEAR AUNTY VIC #3

Question:

I like a guy in my hall, but I don't know if he's into guys or not. What should I do?

Answer:

Welcome to the confusion and chaos of your first month in halls. Friendships, identity, expression, hobbies, sex, food, partying—and you're supposed to study? On top of it all, you’re navigating not only your own sexuality, but other people’s. What a cluster-fuck. You can’t help but have crushes and be all-consumed by it. Will they be in the next elevator, in front of me in the dinner line, or see my latest Instagram post?

My preliminary advice in this situation is to develop a friendship first. Regardless of one’s sexuality, friendship is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Whether you’re looking for a long-term partner, or someone to come home to after a night on Courtenay Place, friendship is crucial. Don’t roll your eyes at me, little fresher, you know I’m right. I order you to assess your friendship compatibility. Meaning: for the love of God, please go talk to them. There are two possible outcomes. You will either become friends, or you will not become friends. If a friendship is established, congratulations. 

Now for the tricky part: navigating someone else’s sexuality. This situation is delicate, and if you haven't heard or noticed any signs that your friend is attracted to guys, they're likely straight or in the closet. If you find out he's heterosexual, no sweat, you still have a friendship. .  

If you find out he’s closeted, that’s another kettle of fish. From the sounds of it, you are comfortable with your own sexuality. But that doesn’t mean your crush is. If your crush is still navigating his sexuality behind closed doors, my best advice is to be his friend. Although you live in Wellington—capital of the gays—coming out is still scary. In halls, rumours spread like wildfire. They’re often fuelled by breathers with internalised homophobia and thotties who crave a token gay. The best person you can be is a good friend and an empathetic, brave role-model that proves being gay is fucking slay. 

I highly doubt a person who is not comfortable with expressing their sexual preferences will be comfortable in a publicly queer relationship. Nor will they be able to be an adequate partner. There's a high chance you'll remain a secret. You never deserve to be someone’s secret. That is not what a relationship is. Don’t fucking do it, or your most relatable Taylor Swift lyric will become “You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath”. 

In conclusion, friendship first. If there is no friendship, cut your losses and move on. If they’re closeted? Be a friend. A strong friendship is never a waste of time. Nevertheless, remember life is simply too short to waste energy on anything that isn’t bringing you joy. This process could be prolonged and stressful. You've got plenty to focus on right now. Your year in halls is an opportunity to develop some of the strongest friendships of your life. Don’t waste it on someone who isn’t sure what they want.