Issue 23: Potluck
Frankie Dale | She/Her
Please Stop Treating My Vag Like a Corn on the Cob
Why do guys act like giving head is the equivalent of giving me a ride home, picking up the bill, or giving me a foot massage? It’s like they almost expect me to say ‘thank you’ after. Like… ok? Thanks heaps for whatever that was, mate.
Recently, I was talking to a guy who made a real scene about how much he loved ~PuSssyyY~. As I stood there disturbed, he kept looking at me for a reaction, as if I was going to have an orgasm on the spot. Eventually, the lure of his sweet pheromones and outlandish beliefs became too much and I couldn’t resist. What do they say again? Curiosity killed the pussy?
Shockingly, it was awful. As I rolled over, mortified of who I'd become, I couldn’t help but think… is this the reality of the straight girl or is this a universal problem?
Apparently giving head can be ‘sooo gross’. An ex-boyfriend of mine once went down on me, went up to kiss me and vomited directly into my mouth. No fucking word of a lie. After, we were both huddled over the toilet naked together simultaneously vomiting. To be fair, he was drunk.
I was chatting with a couple friends shortly after when someone dropped a bombshell: “Yeah my boyfriend refuses to go down on me. He says he hates the taste.” As we all looked to the floor embarrassed for our dear friend I reluctantly asked “well, do you go down on him?” I think we know where this story ended up.
On the few occasions he did go down, she felt it was only out of obligation. She tried everything to make it more alluring, flavoured lubes and a shit ton of pineapple. Obviously ol’ mate thought his dick tasted like a lollipop.
Because I’m effectively a masochist, I decided to take a trip down memory lane on my worst oral experiences. On one occasion, an ex was going down on me when he abruptly stopped and informed me that “things didn’t feel right with you anymore”. Well yeah, that makes two of us, babe. He then shrugged his shoulders and made a sort of 'you should probably go now' gesture. I’m sorry, what happened to for better or for worse? Was it because he was distracted over how much he wanted to fuck my friends? This experience left me feeling like I was the problem, as if there was something I had done to ruin the moment.
Look, I’m not saying that I’m the master of giving head—a couple people reading this can probably vouch for that. What I’m really saying is that there is a major double standard at play. Heterosexual sex is often centred solely around male pleasure—often considered “unsuccessful” when a man doesn’t cum while there’s no expectation for women to orgasm. This is fundamentally fucked up—sex shouldn’t be oriented around climaxing, but pleasure and fun. Only 25% of women can orgasm from penetrative sex alone. This is a global emergency.
Maybe if our sex ed system taught us more than how to put a condom on a rigid wooden stick, we wouldn’t be here. Most of our children are learning about sex from porn which isn’t the greatest reflection of reciprocal sex. Stop pushing my head down to your crotch 2 milliseconds into our Netflix and chill sesh. Not cool.
Giving head isn’t easy and we are all extremely vulnerable when we are naked. But, giving head isn't gross. If I hear another fuckwit talk about how a girl's pubes are too long and he doesn’t wanna give her head, I will explode. Can we all please get along? 2020 is coming to an end and everyone deserves some good head.