Love, Sacrifice, and Accepting Disabilities

Words by Kelly Mui (she/her)

CW: Generational Trauma

In my culture, to show weakness is to lose face. The Chinese care too much about how others perceive them. The culture, in general, is very judgemental and can be very triggering. It is normalised to make rude and sometimes very triggering comments about people’s weight, job, family, everything. You always have to be successful. The Chinese, and other Asian peoples, are always working very hard to save face and be successful (and boast about it to all the Asian aunties). I call these phenomena the ‘Asian Hustle’. 

One thing that I find recurring in my life is how much I value the Asian Hustle that I have witnessed in my family over the years. My parents to this day still work 15-18 hour days (with little or no breaks) running their business. They choose to do this, and have taught my siblings and me to keep working hard. 

I constantly feel like I am letting them down because of the limitations that come with my disability. It’s a mindset that is hard to break out of when it’s been ingrained into you. And it’s part of the reason I will be hesitant to share my struggle and my limits with parents who not only push, but overcome, their limits. 

Coming from an extraordinarily hard-working family and being held down as ordinary because of disability is not something my family will understand. They do not understand why it can be too difficult and in too much pain to get out of bed some days. 

That being said, I am learning to forgive myself for not being able to keep pace with the strides my parents set in motion for me. I have to learn to be kinder to myself and the limits of my body which do not represent the limits of my mind and spirit. It can be difficult. 

It’s easy to fall into states of hopelessness, fear, and anxiety. Planning your future becomes a terrifying experience. I remind myself that my family has generational trauma scars. Constant death and poverty were ripping through all of China when my parents were children. In a continued cycle of wanting to live an easy life, they worked tirelessly to give me the best, but they kept falling short because of my body. 

In learning to forgive myself, I have to remember that my parents' reactions come from a place of deep emotional and physical pain. In learning to forgive myself, I have to let go of the pain and suffering my bloodline endured. They are not upset that I am showing weakness. They fear I will perish like those in their traumatic memories of disability. 

To me, learning to live with my disability means learning to let go of our past. Learning to live with my disability is almost like a sign of the times. When my family accepts it, we’ll know that times have changed. I just hope to support them and give them the easy life they deserve.