Headline Junkie: 03 April 23'

Mystery Lube Found in Salient Worker’s Bedroom

CW: Sexual Violence, Anti-Semitism.

A bizarre packet of lube has been discovered in a Salient staffers flat. It is believed to have been delivered with their flatmate's Satisfyer Pro. The “medical lubricant” was produced by German sex toy company JOYDIVISION, established in 2003. This is a bizarre choice of title, likely inspired by the ‘joy divisions’ of Nazi Germany: groups of Jewish women forced into sex slavery in concentration camps. If anyone has a similar packet of lube, or knows anything about JOYDIVISION, please let Salient know. 

Bro, You Might Have Syphilis

At the end of 2022, Aotearoa saw a 41% increase in syphilis. This sexually transmitted infection is on the rise in the rest of the world too. The majority of cases have been in men aged between 20-39. If you’ve been suffering with rashes, swollen glands, or have sores in some wack places, it may be time for a blood test. However, in many people, syphilis produces no symptoms. So if you’ve been messy recently, be safe and get tested anyway. Godspeed and wrap it before you tap it.

Teen Pregnancy No Longer “The Thing to Do”

Leave the underage pregnancy to the Boomers, Gen Z has better things to do. In 2022, only one in every 34 NZ pregnancies were to people under 20—a stark contrast to the one in seven statistic of the 1970s. Teen pregnancy rates have halved in the past ten years alone, with teen abortion rates rapidly decreasing in their wake. According to statistician Michael MacAskill, the decrease is owed to more recent improvement on sexual education and better access to contraception. Add this to the cost of living crisis, and you’ll find a generation putting babies off until they’re nearing 40 and can afford to spend $20 on a block of cheese at New World. As teen pregnancy disappears, there’s a steady rise in birth rates of people assigned female at birth (AFAB) that are in their late 30s. 

Could We Get a Real-Life Day After Tomorrow Event? 

A study published in Nature last week shows that, thanks to future climate change, deep ocean warming in Antarctica could result in a slowing of ocean currents. This is likely to weaken by 40% by 2050. The situation sounds eerily similar to fictional dystopia movie Day After Tomorrow, where a breakdown in North Atlantic Ocean currents causes catastrophic climate effects. Cold Antarctic water drives a deep flow of water across the globe, carrying heat, carbon, oxygen, and nutrients. Changes in this circulation would have a profound effect on global ocean food chains, researchers say. "It is another wake-up call—as if we needed more wake-up calls," said the study’s co-author, Dr Steve Rintoul, via RNZ.