Iwiscopes

Taranaki:

A Mountain is not your personality trait, e hoa. Stop putting the passive in passive aggressive and finally grow a backbone. You’ll find that people might actually take to your ideas if you can assert them properly.

Ngā Puhi:

There is something special about Ngā Puhi and their impressive ability to piss everyone off by the mere mention of the name. But for some reason, everyone also finds you extremely lovable. Let’s just hope you never have to choose between a musket and your people again. 

Kāi Tahu:

My friends of the South, you can't buy your happiness. Sure, you have a monopoly over other Iwi, but is that really the best way to make friends? Perhaps dial down the vanity and stop making yourself exclusive. Remember, we’re all in this together (he waka eke noa). 

Tainui:

We all know you’re home to the Kiingitanga, but don’t let this get to your head; afterall, Hamilton is the epicentre of your Iwi. There is more to the world than The Base and The Outback. Don’t be afraid to explore further than the mighty Waikato River.

Te Arawa:

It appears you're shifting from a mindset of arrogance to sharing the love. I like it. Just make sure your skirt is longer than your poi. Also, smell is one of the most important components to attraction, maybe you could find true love if you knew this. 

Coast:

Why are you so obsessed with Redbands? Seriously, we weren’t colonised for you just to wear gumboots to uni everyday. At least it’s a harmless trait, unlike your women. My wish for you in the coming year is that you finally get to attend RnV as an attendee and not as security. 

Kahungunu:

Paua farts and big raks. Monogamy may not really be your thing, but you and your Family Planning clinics might actually benefit from it. Props to you guys though for being home to the three best Māori boarding schools in New Zealand… 

Tāmaki:

I don't want to joke about your traffic, but if your men could last as long as they do in traffic jams in the bedroom, then maybe there would be more of you. One thing I admire about you a lot though is that you’re home to some of New Zealand’s most iconic Māori activists like Joe Hawke, Pania Newton, Mike Smith, and Mason Lawlor.

Ngāi Tauira:

Sometimes you need to remember that you came to university to get a degree and not alcohol poisoning. Despite that, each of you are making your whānau proud. Keep doing what you're doing and leave your mark on the world. One last note, love is in the air! Just don’t catch Covid together.