THE SALIENT FLAT PRANK RANKING!
Words by The Salient Prankster (prank/pringle)
April Fools’ may have passed, but we know many of you, dear readers, are fools all year round. Playing a harmless (or not so harmless) prank on your flatmates can be just what you need to relieve the assessment season tension.
We asked you for your best flat prank stories. Here they are, direct from our Instagram DMs, and ranked for your enjoyment.
“Just stop paying rent.” 10/10
Can’t go wrong with this top prank. It’s giving Winston from New Girl iykyk). This will leave your flatmates in a scrambling mess at the end of the week. Meanwhile, you’ll be spending your rent money elsewhere, sipping sangria on the beach with the inner peace of a landlord.
“He fell asleep on the floor and we stacked textbooks and wine bottles and a sombrero on him.” 9/10
This prank gets points for creativity and initiative. There is no more opportune time than an unsuspecting flatmate taking a nap in the common areas, unwittingly leaving themselves exposed to quick-thinking pranksters. I’d pay money to see this man's reaction as he woke up dazed, finding himself trapped by textbooks and glass bottles. These pranks are also the most fun to put together—it’s a team effort and builds flat comradery, while the sense of danger (will he wake up any minute?) heightens the adrenaline.
“Gaslight your flatties into doing their dishes.” 8/10
Gaslighting for the common good. I can support this.
“Sneakily hiding a voodoo doll (left by previous tenants) around the house.” 8/10
Okay, this one's a bit spooky. I’m into it! I want to know the voodoo doll’s stories—has it caused any turn of luck to befall your flat? If you’ve got the skills to find a good hiding spot that will surprise an unsuspecting flatmate again and again, you’ve got yourself a golden, reusable prank. Perfect for those with easily spooked flatmates.
“Putting a Young Nats keyring that I (ironically) got from clubs expo in the cutlery drawer.” 7/10
A politically divisive prank. This can only be played on flatmates that are intensely into youth pols (if these people are your flatmates, I’m sorry, move out). But the over-budgeted Young Nats stall at the Clubs Expo provides one with ample resources for future pranks. Make sure to stock up the next time you see an unsuspecting blue shirt. If this prank is to succeed, you have to commit to the bit. It’s time to cosplay as Chris Luxon.
“Cbat sex prank (pretend you’re having sex to Cbat).” 7/10
If you don’t understand this because you don’t know what ‘Cbat’ is, I don’t have the time to explain it to you—just download TikTok already. This prank is self-deprecating (I mean, do you really want to be seen as sexually challenged?). But the image of sitting quietly in one's room only for ‘Cbat’ to start blasting from your flatmate's bedroom is genuinely hilarious.
“UE Boom under their bed. Volume at max, play fart noises. Can’t go wrong.” 6/10
A prank straight from the pinboard hallways of late-night hall shenanigans. It requires some patience—waiting for the flatmate to fall asleep, with the trust that their door is firmly shut. It’s almost too easy. The downside is that you can’t see their reaction, having to make do with hearing muffled yells from the other side of the door. The choice of noise is the kind of classic that would go down a peach with a breather, and gain you a look of mild disappointment from anyone else.
“Played cricket with an umbrella and garlic bread in the dining room.” 5/10
Now, I’m not sure how this is a prank, unless one flatmate was tasked with cleaning up the mess on their lonesome. (If so, shame on you. Tidy pranksters are the best pranksters.) The combined round, flimsy umbrella and the slippery, buttery garlic bread would have left some marks on those mouldy flat walls. Maybe put a sheet up next time. And also, what a waste of perfectly good garlic bread. That shit is a six dollar delicacy.
“Put a whoopee cushion under the couch cushions.” 5/10
An oldie, but a goodie. It’s a surefire way to ensure there is an exchange of awkward stares and personal satisfaction as you watch your flatmate try to deny that the ‘loud and proud’ was theirs. But any prank to do with fart noises only brings me back to the trauma of living with my 12-year-old brother.
“I walked in and they were lying very still on the floor, in the dark, playing ‘Wiggle’ by Jason Derulo (feat. Snoop Dog).” 4/10
Nice. I feel like this one is more of an inside joke than a prank. I really don’t get it. No offence, but if this is your flat’s sense of humour, y’all are fucking weird.
“My ex-flate once put t-sauce packets in the toilet seat (they would pop when you sat down).” 3/10
A classic prank, straight from the cartoon idols of our childhoods. On first look, it can’t go wrong: t-sauce splattered onto the legs, mess everywhere, the element of surprise is assured. Just hope they aren’t wearing white pants, otherwise their laundry is now your problem. However, according to the unnamed VUWSA exec member who was this prankster’s fallen victim, the innocent prank caused her to mistakenly think she’d broken the toilet and was bleeding. Tears ensued. Would not recommend this prank on an emotionally vulnerable day. This flatmate is an ex for a reason.
“Fill an almost finished, old oat milk up with water and act confused when your flatmates think it tastes bad.” 2/10
Way to ruin your flatmate's morning iced latte. Tread lightly if you don’t want to feel the wrath of your resident barista flatmate. Also, this is an easily spotted prank before the punchline hits. Any person of average intelligence can tell when oat milk is looking a lot like water and their coffee isn’t changing colour. You bear the consequences of your flatmate becoming an uncaffeinated bear with this one.
“Performing a vasectomy.” 1/10
I have so many questions. Firstly, how? Was consent involved in the procedure? Did you have a med student on site? Was there blood? Did you sterilise the equipment with the same burnt stovetop you use for hot knives? Are the goods, shall we say, intact?