How to Hook Up Without Hurting Your Heart
Three months ago, I emerged from my first big break up all puffy-eyed and heartbroken. I reinstalled Tinder, kitted out my closet with cute lingerie, and went no contact, to emerge thonged-up and ready to triple my body count. I’m still in the midst of this new ‘short term fun’ era, and actively looking past the ashy club photos and concerning bios. I’m loving it.
A lot of people think that hook up culture can never serve you. They caution that flings, hook ups, and situationships are only ever going to hurt you (mostly while cushioned in the protective commitment of their long-term relationship). But this in-between state can be a massive learning curve in our young adult lives. There is so much potential within the hook up scene for self-discovery and inner healing. Throughout my own journey, I’ve learned about my sexuality, how I like to meet people, and that the most important relationship we have is with ourselves. It takes the awkward moments (wanting them to kiss you first so you just kinda stare at them) to really appreciate the amazing ones (spending a whole week with someone and not getting bored once).
With all of that said, putting yourself out there can be scary, especially when you have to wear your heart on your sleeve. So, with my experience and the wise words of trained relationship therapist Angela Rennie, here’s how to master the hookup scene while protecting yourself, your peace, and your heart.
1. Know what you want
What do you want to get out of this era of your life? To experiment and discover what turns you on? To meet new people and broaden your social circle? Are you looking for long-term, or are you just trying to find a rebound?
The easiest way to get hurt is by not being honest with yourself as to why you’re talking to or seeing someone. There’s no shame in simply wanting a one-time thing. You just have to know what you want. Once you do, it’ll be easier to find people with the same intentions as you. When I first started hooking up, I did so for the sole reason of putting distance between me and my ex. This great decision making meant I rushed it and chose someone who hurt me even more (lesson learned).
As a relationship therapist, Angela likes to provide a multi-dimensional approach, drawing from both mindfulness and classic psychology. She recommends writing a list of what you like about yourself and what makes you a great partner. This helps to build resilience, preparing you for when things don’t work out and you need to move on.
She also says that while you should build up your confidence, you should acknowledge that not everyone will be approaching hooking up like you are. Not everyone else will know exactly what they want and their intentions. She says, “Everyone should have a hoe phase, just don’t expect another hoe to be anything more than a hoe.”
2. Keep your options open
Unless you’re single and crushing, do not hone in on one person. Being in the in-between is all about openness and options. If you’re only talking to and seeing one person, you can’t be surprised when you catch feelings. Put simply, you can’t be played if you outplay the player. Plus, when you’re talking to more than one person, cancellations and changes of plans are less likely to bother you.
Angela believes that it’s a good idea to date multiple people until someone gives you a reason to single them out. If they’re worth it, they need to make you feel special, fulfil your needs, and tick the boxes of the partner you’re looking for. But, Angela notes, desire for monogamy is a gradient. Everyone is different, and some people are more compelled to settle down than others.
Personally, I’ve never been super monogamous, especially during this stage of my life. I don’t mind whether I’m kissing someone at a party or dancing on strangers in the club. If they come home to me at the end of the night, I’m happy. I’ve met people in fully open or polyamourous relationships, as well as people who are very monogamous and looking for exclusivity, and had great times with both.
3. Don’t make things messy
One of the most important practices to protect your heart is to keep the social gene pool diverse. Don’t sleep with your friend’s ex or your co-worker’s situationship. Keep the whole thing drama free. You’ll thank me later. Peek at their mutuals before meeting up, and reach out to your mate to find out how exactly they know each other. Wellington is a small city, but it’s not so small that sleeping with the same five people is the only option we have.
Angela believes we should embrace, to an extent, the ‘Coolidge effect’. When we find new people more desirable and exciting, we are put in danger of constantly seeking out ‘the next one’. It’s an effect that’s definition is still tinged with the sexist nature of old science (I’m sure your hoe phases aren’t about fertilising as many people as possible). But if we take it at face value, it can explain why we find meeting new people more exciting and motivating.
When we acknowledge this effect, it can stop us from constantly moving on and leaving a potential good thing behind. A good practice I’ve started is to build up a roster of a couple people and delete my dating apps. When that roster meets its end and I feel like something new, I redownload and remake my profile. Doing this also helps avoid the awkward moment where your Tinder date notices the Tinder notification on your phone.
4. Have Better Sex
The rule to beat them all is to never endure bad sex or a bad situationship. Twice I’ve stopped sex mid-way through to let my partner know that we just weren’t sexually compatible, and both times it was a mutual realisation. A movie with a bad beginning and a bad middle isn’t going to have a good ending, so don’t force yourself to see it through. Figure out your own personal boundaries. Place the standards for yourself higher than a hook up simply for the sake of it.
Focus on the relationship you have with yourself. Entering the in-between stage, I wanted to distract myself from my past relationships. What I actually needed was assurance that I wasn’t ready for another relationship. Now I’m in a laid back, open relationship, and casually seeing a couple different people. My nights alone don’t feel lonely and I still enjoy the thrill of meeting someone new.
The best advice, of course, comes from relationship therapist Angela. She encourages people to realise that love is a choice we make for ourselves, even on the days where attraction or feelings aren’t there. No matter what stage you're at—single, taken or in-between—prioritise yourself and take yourself on dates. If you are in your hoe phase, choose to love it and enjoy all the self-growth you’re bound to get out of it.