Confessions of a Reformed U-Haul Lesbian: A year of live laugh lesbianing by myself.

Words by Lauren Davies (she/they)

To U-Haul, or not to U-Haul, that is the question. Disclaimer for the non ‘in the know’ folk: the esteemed Urban Dictionary defines a U-Haul lesbian as a “LGBTQ+ term for a lesbian who gets attached very quickly”. So to speak, the U-Hauler’s second date involves a moving truck. 

I must confess, I have been the quick move in, the ‘I love yous’ and forever, and the cat co-parent in the space of a mere few months. It took a U-Haul relationship and heartbreak to be slapped with an existential crisis—who the fuck am I? Who am I alone, as an individual outside of a relationship?

It’s been a year or so of singledom, dating, situationships, hard work, living alone, supportive friends, undercuts, and a few more piercings and tattoos, and I have never felt so comfortable with being me. Just Lauren. 

My teenage years of being closeted and uncomfortable with my own sexuality attracted me to confident partners—the loudest, brightest person in the room—as compensation for my apprehensive nature. The result of heart obliteration made me realise that I did not have a sense of self. 

I was someone’s significant other, latched on, dependent, arm-candy to ‘show off’, relying on validation from them but not myself. 

‘Yours’ and ‘mine’ felt so right in the moment. I was not confident with my sexuality, let alone gender expression. Being by myself, and true to myself, is now an assertion of queer joy, euphoria, and pride. 

I have never really felt comfortable being the gendered binary view of a ‘woman’. I feel neutral, sometimes on the feminine side. I don’t feel dysphoric being perceived as a woman, but I see womanhood and gender as a societal construction. 

Acts of self love, self expression, gender performance, and queer love for oneself and another are beautiful. It was not a straightforward rainbow brick road to the land of queer for me, and it most definitely has more turns ahead. I am so blessed to navigate this journey in Te Whanganui-a-Tara, surrounded by so many genuine humans who uplift, advocate, and celebrate queerness. 

Three tips for U-Haul reformees. One: take a step back—let yourself be with this new person without full commitment. Don’t run in too fast. Two: discover your boundaries and your needs before jumping into the deep end. And three: check in with yourself. Is this happening in a way you feel comfortable with? 

Forgo the matching tattoos, house keys, engagement rings, and animal adoption (at least for the first while). I know that one day I will be wifed-up in a cottage in the woods, but I have a lot of living and growing to do before that. 

Loving is magical, scary, and turbulent. It can feel all-consuming, but don’t let it shadow who you are! Partnership is something I am looking forward to, but self-acceptance and independence is valuable and necessary to my identity. 

Finally, before I go, I must digress with a very camp, romantic musing (warning: it rhymes). 

Now I am trying my best not to imagine how cute our furniture together could be. Every morning, I don’t need your affirmation, but when I do wake up next to you, it is so sweet. Without you I didn’t feel incomplete. I love hanging out with you, our date nights, and adventures. I am the Bubblegum to your Marceline. Reformed U-Haulers, ready to explore what falling for someone new but loving yourself first means.