You’re So Vain: You Probably Think This Is About You
Sally Ward | She/Her
What do you want?
Not much has changed in terms of human desire since the 2nd Century AD. That’s when Juvenal wrote Satire X, a giant pisstake of the vain. The worst part is, despite the passage of time, the vAniTy of hUmAN wishes has not changed as much as one would hope now that we have flushing toilets. I’m sorry if you are a Classics major and are about to witness me butcher this fundamental text.
Juvenal lists off a bunch of things people wish for in life. The first verse is a warning, akin to the 2008 classic “When I Grow Up” by the Pussycat Dolls: be careful what you wish for. You just might get it. Most people can’t tell good from bad; we want things that will hurt us. Sounds eerily similar to my attempts to get with hot-but-toxic boys. So what does our classical friend think people pray for? Power, fame, glory, long life, and beauty.
Not on this list, is the wish for wealth. This seems like a huge omission. I reckon a few people have rubbed a teapot or two and asked a genie for more money. Money is the enabler behind all these other wishes, sitting in the corner of our desires. For example, you need money to be a powerful political player, or to upkeep your appearance, so let’s just read that in for fun.
You might have asked yourself at one time or another, why am I here? Aside from the debt, what am I trying to walk away with from Victoria University of Wellington? Am I here for the promise of a good job? Did I come here to look hot? Am I here to be the loudest in the class, the one who should have stopped talking approximately three and a half minutes ago? Do I want to be a political big dog? Who knows. Maybe you just want to make friends and learn some stuff.
What does Juvenal think of power, fame, long life, and good looks? It’s important to remember that Juvenal does not think that these wishes are inherently wrong, but observes that other people or your own ego will ruin them for you eventually.
The Emptiness of Power | So you want to be the leader of a youth wing. You want to be the team captain. You will be mobbed by haters, aka Taylor Swift haters gon hate hate hate. And if the power goes to your head, well, the people who once voted for you will turn against you on Facebook cc: Simon Bridges. At best you’ll achieve enough status to have your face slapped all over the tacky mugs that no one reaches for in the shared kitchen. Juvenal concludes by saying that simply seeking a place at the top is an “extravagant prayer granted by spiteful gods.” Few kings have stood free from blood and carnage. Few tyrants achieve a tranquil death. So idk, maybe make sure you’re in it for the rights reasons.
The Rewards of Fame and Eloquence | Juvenal bases this point on two famous Roman orators—Cicero and Demosthenes. Cicero has his head chopped off and displayed by his enemies on the Rostra, the very podium he once spoke on. Demosthenes killed himself before his enemies could. Who would embrace virtue if you took away the reward? I am trying to move on from Tiger King but Joe Exoctic really did come to mind as someone whose mouth got the better of them. Locally grown, we’ve got Bob Jones. You might recognise him from the defamation proceedings he initiated against Renae Maihi after she called him a racist. He withdrew the claim, after taking the stand and proving himself to be, in fact, racist. He loved the sound of his own voice so much he shot himself in the foot.
The Paths of Glory | This one was about being really hot shit on a battlefield. I’m not going to elaborate on this because the only war I’m trying to win is against my landlord.
The Penalties Of A Long Life | We’re a bit young for this one, but there may come a time when we wish for youth. Besides, university has aged me. I might need some of those years back. But are people really trying to be immortal vampires? Peter Tiel, the owner/whatever of PayPal does blood transfusions from young people in an attempt to stop ageing. Interestingly, he owns a large parcel of land in
New Zealand. Having been in the country for less than a week, he was granted citizenship. He offered to make a substantial investment in NZ ‘business,’ which he has not actually done. Maybe he just pulled Mr Key’s… ponytail. Anyway, Juvenal warns that in old age “the pleasures of food and wine are no longer the same”. All the viagra in the world won’t fix your “limp prick”. You’ve got a bad hip and you can’t remember the face of the person you had dinner with last night. Even if your mind and body survive, you’ll have to nourish yourself with funeral food as you say goodbye to all your friends.
And As For Good Looks | I’ll be honest, this one has not aged well. It mostly concerns the fate of good looking young men. At the time, good looking young men might become the object of some Emperor’s sexual desire. Nero collected them like trophies. If not, then a good looking fellow would most likely have a doomed marriage because apparently “it’s rare for beauty to coincide with restrained behaviour”. A.k.a, a man with a jawline carved by God will cheat on you. The penalty for cheating in the 2nd Century AD was lashing yourself. What can we take away from this? Good looking people gon’ cheat? Being good looking does not entitle you to cheat? Watch out for creepy people trying to hit on you at the bar?
It’s pretty dreary. Juvenal does suggest one thing that is safe to wish for. It comes in the form of a latin phrase. It’s probably been reblogged a hundred thousand times on Tumblr: “mens sana in corpore sano,” which means a “sound mind in a healthy body.” Good luck achieving this one. “Know Your Mind” is NOT an accurate representation of what one goes through here at Victoria University. It’s more like ‘Lose Your Mind and spend the next two years trying to find it’.
But imagine not having to worry about where you are on the social scale, if you’re articulate, if you’re hot. Imagine just waking up like yeah, I feel calm and I’m strong enough to carry my groceries home without getting back sweat. What more do you want?