Why We're Doodling Diddles
The membrum virile and the testes. The male reproductive system. Dick and balls. Neatly represented by some variation of two adjacent circles and a longer semi-ellipse sprouting between them. For time immemorial, people have carved, painted, drawn and tagged this symbol on almost every surface imaginable.
On the barren, remote Greek island of Astypalaia, over two and a half thousand years ago, the dick and balls were carved carefully into a rock face. This is perhaps the oldest example of the art form, but the artist was not the only person of the ancient world inspired to recreate schlongs. The city of Pompeii was decorated with a gaggle of penises before it was destroyed by volcanic eruption in 79AD. More recently, in Bhutan, the Buddhist monastery of Chimi Lhakhang was built in 1499. It is home to perhaps the GOAT of dick and balls artwork, pictured here, amongst many other penile paintings and carvings. Around the world, through different eras, people have looked at the humble old meat and two veg, and been inspired to put it into art. This tradition continues today. Dicks and balls proliferate the landscape of any highschool, whether they hide under desks, inhabit the pages of books or slither up bathroom walls. Some artists continue their work at the tertiary level, and many grapes and sausages can be found deep in the annals of the library here. So what exactly is going on?
Several psychoanalysts have applied the teachings of Sigmund Freud in an attempt to get to the balls of the matter. According to Freud, boys’ fascination with willies stems from a fear of castration. Apparently, when a young boy sees his mother and realises she does not have a penis, he is traumatized. What if this happened to him, and he lost his willy? He would be exposed, sans penis, for the world to see. Metaphorically, he may even lose the power that he has come to associate with his member. Therefore, young men draw dicks and balls in an effort to assert that they have the penis, and they have the power.
In my research, all of the literature only attempted to explain why those who have them may draw dicks and balls, and almost all of it referenced old mate Freud. But other people are in on the joke too. If we were to stretch Freudian thought, he’d say that from a young age, women become envious that they do not possess a penis, and experience “penis envy”. This is the flipside to the castration fear young boys apparently experience. But that is a wild idea invented by a man, based on some pretty big assumptions of gender as a biological binary, backed by no hard data, and weirdly unchallenged.
On the other hand, we at Salient have researched the issue extensively and asked the dick-drawers themselves. A sufficiently large pool of young adults responded to a survey I posted. Every respondent who identified as male had drawn a dick and balls. This supports the consensus that there is something intrinsic in the male psyche that compels us to leave a mark of our members. 80% of respondents who identified as female had also drawn dicks and balls
The Freudian theorist would point out that it certainly seems drawers want their drawings to be seen, and this stacks up with the idea of asserting who has the penis. 29% of people who had drawn dicks and balls had done them on bathroom stalls, and 43% on desks. Everyone who had drawn a dick and balls had done one on others’ books and/or papers. Only half had done one on their own books/papers. 79% had drawn them on other people. Only 14% had drawn them on themselves. They had also been drawn in the frost on the school field, on dirty cars, on whiteboards with glue sticks and in the condensation of flat windows. 57% of respondents had drawn a digital dick and balls, which will be an interesting technological trend to monitor the future development of.
Overwhelmingly, respondents reasoned that their motivations for drawing dicks and balls were humour related. Many cited controversial Australian comedian Chris Liley as a source. People also said “everyone else was doing it” and “banter”. Therefore, I hypothesise that the humour of dick and balls drawings is learned and conditioned by social interactions and influences. It’s not as if the first time someone sees a penis (whether their own or someone else’s) they burst into laughter. But if they spend enough time in society, they will learn that for some reason, drawings of dicks and balls tend to arouse amusal in a lot of people. Everyone wants to be in on a good joke, thus so many people have drawn them without ever thinking too deeply about it. As one wise young man put it “when you draw a dick and balls, someone is either going to laugh or get offended. Both are desirable outcomes for a teenager.”
Or, as a young woman who did not draw her first schlong until late in her teens explained: “it’s me joining in on the joke. I used to get flustered or grossed out by it, but now I can appreciate that it’s not that deep, and a bit of peen is peachy keen.”
While that respondent came to the party late, most respondents drew their first dick and balls far earlier. 67% of respondents had drawn dicks and balls before they were 13. Another 20% started before 15. In the early stages of puberty the brain is most susceptible to pair pressure, and this data supports the hypothesis that people begin to find dicks and balls funny because those around them do. However, it does not appear it is an easy behaviour to grow out of. Only 27% of respondents had not drawn one since turning 18. The remainder were still active artists as young adults, or had only recently given up the game.
Dicks and balls continue to be amusing past that initial stage of immature scribbling. We are mature university students, and at this stage have probably seen a few dicks and balls in the flesh, or gotten familiar with our own. But if you think about it carefully, the dick and balls symbol looks quite similar to a key. And perhaps it is a key. The door this key unlocks is one that looks back in time, to a simpler time. If you see a dick and balls, there is probably minimal association with the actual genitalia. Instead, your mind is cast back to days gone by where you were young and carefree: almost anything was funny and life was a big mystery unfolding in front of you. Juicies were $1 at the tuckshop. You’d heard it through the grapevine that your crush *liked* you back. You had the time to spend an entire class drawing a dick in your friend’s book, as one respondent did.
Many other respondents have similar fond memories of the dick and balls they are most proud of. One drew a “veiny schlong” on his mate’s hockey stick just before tournament week. Another made an instant mark on day one of his year 9 Japanese class, by drawing one on a friend’s book that the teacher then held up as an example, unwittingly exposing it to the entire class. Three friends spent the better part of an hour walking through the frost on a school field to leave a massive cock in their wake. Today, the dick and balls is a symbol of these tweenage/early teen escapades. It is a cultural artefact, but one that must be handled with care.
Obviously, some people do not find dick and balls funny. Artists should be careful of where they choose to display their work. If they so choose, people have the right to go about their day without thinking about dicks and balls. Therefore, it might pay to think twice before leaving one behind on a desk or wall. And Grant Guilford would definitely *not* find it funny if you spray painted a huge schlong over the big “WELLINGTON” part of some of the uni’s flash new rebranded signs, so please don’t do that. But if you and your friends bond over leaving phallic imagery behind in each other’s notes or in the condensation of your flat’s windows, go for it. Don’t let any psychoanalyst tell you it stems from a fear of castration or penis envy. Sometimes, a dick and balls can just be plain funny and nostalgic.