The Mysterious Lives of Dads
TBF
Everyone ‘cheats’ right? I've done it, you've probably done it. I used to write down equations on my hand to pass my tests in primary school. On more than one occasion, I’ve googled an answer on a pub quiz, not paid my parking ticket, and kissed someone I shouldn’t have. We aren’t meant to cheat, but everyone just does.
Having a dad who cheated has given me a lifelong fear that I’m going to do the same thing to my family one day, some kind of hereditary impulse that I can't shake off. I mean, I take after my parents in a lot of ways. My mum always prefaces dinner time saying “sorry guys, I know dinner is disgusting” when we all knew it was just her overcompensating.
It’s not just the cheating I fear. It’s the guilt I saw in him as a child when he would bring home thousands of dollars worth of toys before jetting off to see his chatelaine. I see it to this day. The guilt must be the worst part, knowingly choosing a different life to the one you initially had.
My mum had her suspicions—my dad's occasional turn of the phone, the random departure of the room. But it all came to light 2 years into us living in America.
It was the fourth of July and we were hosting a BBQ at our apartment in Miami. I was about 5 and in the absolute peak of my The Sims 2 obsession. All I knew about adultery was that when my Sim kissed another Sim, their significant other wasn't too thrilled.
My dad had his arm around my mum watching the fireworks when his brick Nokia popped up with a text saying “I wish you were here baby”.
He insisted that it was a waitress at a club that had a thing for him. It was nothing.
My mum, the iconic bad bitch that she is, didn't buy this alibi. She drove two hours out of Miami to a town called Boca Raton to buy some bugging devices. She chose the 7Up can and placed it under their bed.
After days of no action, only mumbles and grunts, my dad called the bank to change all of the passwords. If anyone has seen any movie where there is an affair, I think we all know what this might imply. Mum could hear word for word “Yes… no, yes I need the passwords changed today. Why? You can’t fucking ask me that. Just change the passwords right now.”
Asking your husband if he’s having an affair can be a daunting experience—she needed more evidence. Mum decided to hire a hacker on the questionable website, Craigslist, to find out dad's email password for the mighty price of $300USD.
Mr.AnonGuy replied, subject blank: “Pigs123”
Mum claims she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, she was either being absolutely rickrolled or her husband actually made his email password Pigs123.
Thousands of email exchanges between my father and his lady friend appeared.
At the time, I didn't understand the screaming. In hindsight, the whole thing played out like a B-grade film. It’s a classic—the unreliable dad who kisses the kids on the forehead before heading into the sunset in his Toyota hatchback because he “just can't take it anymore”. In this version, the dad heads upstate to start a business and make something of himself, to make his wee girls proud. In my version, however, the dad starts a new life, with new friends, new pets, and you guessed it, a new wife.
This wasn’t quite the end for Mum and Dad though. No, the end was much more cinematic.
Eventually, we all moved back to Auckland, my parents’ relationship hanging by a thread. My dad would make monthly trips to the States ‘for work’. Which was fine because it meant I was finally able to swear freely and walk around butt naked.
As mum recalls, we were “successfully trapped back in NZ whilst he was able to exist freely in NYC”.
My mum went with him once which, in hindsight, was a mistake. “I received an email from him one morning, I was in shock. It went like ‘come to NYC for a romantic getaway tomorrow…’ I couldn’t believe my eyes. I got everything in order with childcare that day. It was a short trip of 4 nights, I didn’t care that it was short and sweet. My husband wanted me again.”
“I had tried so hard to win him back that I had let my dignity and self-worth slip away into oblivion… I wasn’t going to let it ruin the one day he decided to spend time with me.”
My mum retells this story like she had just heard a bomb go off and her ears were ringing a high frequency and that the world was about to close in… or swallow her whole.
Shortly after arriving, a stranger to mum, but a seemingly great friend of my dad’s, says “Hey man! The dinner party y'all hosted the other night was so fun…” He goes on to ask how my dad’s girlfriend is… and how their dog was… and how my dad found it meeting his girlfriend’s mum.
“His hand suddenly loosened and his body went rigid. I knew it was over in that moment.”
I found out he was married to another woman when I was about 10. It was the day I made myself a Facebook profile, probably for less sinister things like Farmville and sending my cousins weird selfies in the sepia effect. I’d gone behind my mum’s back too. I typed in her name key by key, making sure no one was around to witness. After all my dad had done, I still felt like the criminal.
The complex structures of trust and dignity being squashed through intricate methods of lying is a real surefire way to devastate a relationship.
We all cheat. It’s not just dads, and it’s not just adultery. The grey area is a spectrum. One thing is certain though—it rarely ends with the two wee girls reconciling with their father and the distraught mother forgiving all.
When I cheated, it was really bad. I was young but I do regret it a lot. To physically fuck someone else is a bit… rough. I cheated on my high school boyfriend with someone I had convinced myself I was super into. I’m telling you now, the guilt wasn’t worth it.
Human beings use cheating to exert power, or out of fear. Usually both. Knowing I've cheated before scares me because I've seen the damage first hand.
The thing is, cheating isn’t so scandalous. ‘Cheating’ is a loaded word, and I don’t think you have to smang it out to cheat. It was the emotional side of it too—the commitment he had to another life, that he didn’t have for me and my family.
It’s a cliche, but honesty really is key. If you know what you want in the long run, it’s a lot easier to let go than string someone else along for your own comfort. My mum doesn’t consider herself a victim, but she would’ve preferred if she had just been told. Maybe this would’ve helped my dad’s guilt too. But hey, everyone cheats, right?
Let every eye negotiate for itself
And trust no agent, for beauty is a witch
Against whose charms faith melteth into blood.
(Much Ado About Nothing, 2.1.149-151)