The Dating Masterdoc

Words by Janhavi Gosavi (she/her)

I present to you my magnum opus of dating advice. From one lovesick fool to another. 

Before you start dating, ask yourself 

What do you want out of dating? 

Your answer doesn’t have to be set in stone, but it's important to have that conversation with yourself. Do you want to find someone to hit up for a good time on a Saturday night, or someone to do your weekly supermarket shop with?

Are you genuinely prepared to date? 

I’ve met many people who put themselves on the market but aren’t actually ready to date. Are you emotionally available? Can you find time in your schedule to invest in someone else? Are you mature enough to handle rejection? 

What do you consider red flags and pink flags?

Whip out your phone, pull up your notes app, and make a list of your personal pink and red flags. This list is a living document that you should keep adding to, a reminder of your standards and boundaries. 

Red flags are non-negotiable deal breakers. When you see a red flag, a big siren should go off in your head, along with a flashing sign that reads “EVACUATE”. Pink flags are causes for concern that are up for discussion. Depending on the person you're dating, a pink flag may escalate to a red flag or diminish away completely. 

For example, being racist or homophobic is a red flag, while having differing political views could be a pink flag. 

What kinds of dates can you afford?

Dating does not need to be an expensive affair, especially considering so many of us are strapped for cash. Find out how much disposable income you have before setting your sights on elaborate date plans. You may have enough to get drinks once in a while, but not enough to go out for fancy dinners. If you’re on your savings grind, you can proactively plan cost-free dates like a walk in the Botans. 

First dates

The first date is an audition

First dates can be a performance, so they’re best viewed as such. You’re putting your best foot forward to audition for the part of ‘new love interest’, and every move you make is being scrutinised. 

The ‘audition mentality’ particularly applies when the person you’re going on a date with is someone you’ve met online and/or don’t particularly know well. Auditions are best kept to an hour; long enough to get a good gauge of the other person, but short enough to not feel like a drag. I once went on a three hour long audition, where we ate gelato for 20 minutes and then sipped water for the rest of the time because neither of us knew how to leave. I had to get up to pee more than once. 

Where to stage your audition?

I’d recommend going on a date during the day time, in a public place. That way, no one makes unwanted assumptions about what your date may lead to. I struggle to eat in front of people I don't know well, so I’d recommend ordering a drink. If the audition goes well, you can sip at your own leisure. If it goes badly, you can gulp that shit down. 

First date conversation topics 

If you’re not a confident conversationalist, there is no shame in pre-preparing anecdotes to share in case an awkward silence arises. I’m an advocate for doing a healthy (but not stalker-ish) amount of research on your date before you see them. Brush up on their basic facts so you’re not confined to asking them what hall of residence they attended or what their majors are. 

Before delving into topics like religion and identity, read the room. If it's important to you that your political beliefs line up with who you date, I’d say get right into it. Looking someone in the eye and asking them if they self-identify as a feminist is a great way to weed out the weaklings. 

Send them a message after your date

Contrary to what early 2000s rom-coms believe, you don't have to wait 24 hours to message someone. It's good practice to thank someone for their time within a few hours of your date. While we’re on the topic of messaging, I personally love it when someone asks me for my actual phone number. It feels much more sincere than asking for my Snapchat (gag). Instagram or Facebook Messenger are good middle grounds. 

Learn how to reject someone 

Resist the urge to ghost people. You think you’re letting them down easy, but you’re actually just afraid of confrontation. The most empathetic way to reject someone is being direct, kind, and firm. 

If you’re rejecting someone because you’re simply not into them, it's best to be vague about it. No one needs to know that you think they’re “great” but you’re “not physically attracted to them”. If someone has made you uncomfortable or offended you (and you feel safe enough to voice this), let them know the reason you will not be seeing them again. 

If you don’t know someone well, reject them via message. If you’ve been dating someone for a while, you might want to have that conversation in person. Do not get the two mixed up, it will lead to unnecessary hurt. 

Learn how to receive rejection 

If someone has just sent you a message to say they no longer want to see you, remember that you don’t have to reply instantly. Who cares if they know you’ve read the message? Take your time to formulate your response so that your first words aren’t “fuck you”. 

Here is a base script to work off: 

“Hey, thanks for letting me know, I appreciate your honesty. I’ve had a great time getting to know you, so I’m a bit gutted, but I wish you the best and hope to see you around! [If you do want to stay friends, let them know here].”

In the thick of it 

Say the words

Ask each other what you want out of this dynamic and where you see it going. “What are we?” is such a gross question to ask but it's a crucial part of the process. Vocalising your feelings is not contrived nor cringe, it ensures you’re on the same page. 

If you find something good and real, don’t walk away 

Self sabotage is rife amongst the young and single. We all want to have our lives relatively together before dating someone else, but there's no such thing as being 100% ready. The timing is never going to be textbook-perfect. There will always be logical reasons to say ‘no’, or ‘not now’. But if what you’ve got is good and real, find a reason to say ‘yes’. 

This city is too damn small to make enemies out of people you’ve dated

Everytime you end things with someone in a bad way, that’s one more person you have to avoid on the street. For a capital city, Wellington is surprisingly small, and we’re all constantly running into people we wish we didn’t know. There’s a decent chance you’ll see people you’ve dated at flat parties, lecture theatres, or professional work spaces. Keep things civil and keep it pushing. Not every bridge needs to be burned.

Sometimes the best thing that can come out of a failed date is a successful friendship

I speak from a lot of experience. If a potential love interest fizzles into a friendship that stands the test of time, that’s a win – a big fucking win. Relish in your new-found friendships. Who else are you going to tell your future date stories to? 

Do not let dating become your source of serotonin

Protect your energy because dating can be taxing. It's all well and good when the person you’re dating becomes your favourite notification … until they ghost you and the sight of your phone lighting up makes you mad. 

Dating is unstable. Find stable sources of happy hormones.