Smokers' guide to going home

Eugene Pipefitter

2021 has had a stressful start, and I know a fair few of us have leaned into smoking, whether that’s durries or doobies.  This article is in no way endorsing this; I’m gutted that I got into smoking in first year because it caused a lot of problems for me financially and mentally. It is what it is. With Easter coming up, the prospect of having to hide your new found habit from your family and friends is daunting.

I spoke to a few friends over some beers to find out about their tactics.

Do the double snap

“When I finished my year 13 art board, It was about 10 p.m.; I was stressed as and went for a smoke. My mum snapped me, but I also snapped her”.

If a family member has been hiding it, you probably know they have. This can be a cunning move. Possible problem is that your mum may have actually quit since you left home, and then you’ll just end up in the shit.

Go for a drive/walk or jump out the window

“Fuck going for a drive was a classic back home, mum used to always ask why I stunk and I’d blame it on the neighbour who would come for the drives with me—he didn’t even smoke”

This is a good one; disappearing into smoke, getting away from the family. The problem with this specific example is that you could be getting the neighbour in trouble when you really don't need to be.

Start drinking and say you only do it on the piss

“I only smoke when I’m drinking” exclaimed my dad with his 10 a.m. whiskey and a dart. There are other problems with this statement, but this is a common excuse which, weirdly, people accept. If you and your aunt like to have mimosas in the evening, then this is the one for you! This can be tricky, as it led to me drinking every day in lockdown, which was all good and fun except that it was a really tough habit to kick after lockdown.

Sneak out to the garage/shed when everyones asleep

“We used to always smoke in [redacted]’s garage growing up, when everyone was sleeping or just the parents were at work for the day. It all stopped because his aunty came home from work, and she’s a cop so gave us the biggest growling—luckily she didn’t tell on us, but it was scary as”.

This one is a bold one; you’ll need to tiptoe very quietly and make sure your garage doesn't smell like an ashtray or a Katchafire concert. The trick here is to make sure you’ve got some other scent to throw it off—maybe there's hay in your shed, or if you’re suburban you can move your cat's litter to the garage. 

Buy a vape 

This is a tactic that is currently being employed by the Government in their “vaping and quitting” approach with pointers such as: 

  • Vaping is not harmless, but it is much less harmful than smoking

  • Vaping is not for non-smokers—if you don't smoke, don't vape

If you absolutely need to, head down to your local outlet and get one so your room can smell grapey and you can work towards dropping that ciggie habit. 

Out ya bathroom window with the extractor fan

“The first time I did it was actually when my older sister and I shared our first J together. It was Christmas Eve and we were at mum’s, a no-voter, which led to us having to hide that we were very big smokers that summer. This one can also be done when on holiday at motels”.

The problem with the window is that you could be blowing it out into the street, where your neighbours can walk past and snitch on your bad habit. Just throw your towel under the door, and if you hear a knock either say you’re taking a mammoth poo or that you don't feel too well. It will make up for when you come out with red eyes after being ‘sick’.

Quit

“Thank the lord for lockdown at my parents’ house; I had nowhere really to go as the drive technique had been my favourite. This forced me to just quit”.

If you think this habit is shit, it kinda is—just go cold turkey if you can. Easing off is good too. 

Hopefully when you come back to Uni next semester you can act like how those teachers told you to in school. I understand there are social pressures; for me it was how I bonded with friends, because that’s all they did. But as we got told growing up say:

“STOP, I don't want to smoke”

For help to quit:

Quitline is open 24/7 and can help you in a number of different ways. You can ring, text, email or do it all online. 

Call Quitline free on 0800 778 778 or text 4006