Parenting Advice
Words by Lily Pearl Moore (She/Her)
So you had a baby! Or are having one! So did I!
2020 really did a number on my life and left me with a small (for now) reminder of Covid-19, lockdowns, and the sudden convenience of no one daring to sit next to me on the train. Unfortunately, I didn’t find out about my birth control fail till March of 2021, and shortly after that, a lovely ultrasound technician informed me that the weight I’d gained over summer had more to do with being six months pregnant than the holiday I’d gone on in January. Overnight my world turned into a flurry of panic: finding a midwife, getting copious amounts of dubious advice, attending prenatal classes, and buying stuff. So. Much. Stuff. So here is my (admittedly amateur) advice on how to Uni&Baby based on eight months of trial and error with my favourite little tyrant.
Don’t buy the stuff. Seriously. Don’t. That ultra cute onesie for a newborn will fit for all of two weeks. The bulk baby clothes listings on Trade Me are just as good as brand new and you will feel a lot better when your baby outgrows them in the blink of an eye. I found mittens and socks to be useless—they never stayed on for very long. If I could do it over again I would only buy half a dozen bodysuits and all-in-ones, and it would have saved me the 15 pairs of odd baby socks I have stuffed in my closet. Swaddles were also a no-go for us but I think that has more to do with my daughter, Sofia, and her refusal to be confined. if you want to try them then go for it—just don’t do what I did and buy 15 that were never used.
Don’t overcommit yourself! I did two papers in trimester two last year and I don’t think that I realistically could have done any more without losing my mind. If you are relying on the student allowance and its minimum number of papers per trimester, then you can apply for a limited full-time study exemption which allows you to still get the student allowance while studying less than the minimum required number of papers. If you don’t want to study at all and instead spend time bonding with your little one, that is ok too! Don’t feel pressured to make a decision either way.
Take advantage of the services offered. Student health provides free counselling sessions to students and these can be a lifesaver when you are dealing with the stress of study and a newborn. If you’ve just found out that you are pregnant then find a midwife ASAP, there is a huge shortage of midwives in the Wellington region at the moment. Don’t forget about parenting classes either, they are packed with information and allow you to meet other parents in your area. At the bottom of this piece I’ll include a list of some of the many services and businesses in the Wellington region who are available to support you on your journey.
Let your lecturers, course coordinators and tutors know about your growing family. I took CRIM 217 (Criminal Psychology) and PSYC 248 (Lifespan Development) in trimester two and I found all the staff of both courses to be absolutely amazing to deal with. They were more than happy to offer extensions when I was struggling to keep up. You guys are the best! Remember that the staff at VUW really want to see you succeed and they will do everything in their power to help support you and your new family.
Get outside, or inside, whatever makes you happy. It can be really easy to fall into a rut of being stuck indoors with your baby. Having to suddenly plan for nappy blow-outs or feeding in public, keeping bottles warm, etc, can all seem like huge and insurmountable hurdles. It felt incredibly daunting the first few times I went out with my daughter, but the payoff for getting out of the house is worth it! The freedom of getting away from the same four walls can be really good for your mental and physical health. Find a local babies’ or parents’ group, there are often book or movie clubs and walking groups centred towards parents. There’s even an awesome boxing group in Paraparaumu targeted towards young mums where you can bring your baby along to classes. In these uncertain Covid-19 times it might not be possible to rely on your family for help, so reach out, everyone wants to help you, all you need to do is ask.
Tag team the childcare (where possible). My daughter went through a really colicky stage for a couple weeks until she was around two months old where she was constantly fussy and wasn’t sleeping at night. Having someone around to take her when I felt like I was about to start pulling my hair out was a lifesaver. If you don’t have close family or a partner to help you, don’t be afraid to put your baby down somewhere safe and take a couple of minutes to breathe and relax.It can be really hard when you feel like all your baby does is scream but remember that a tired, frustrated, anxious parent is much more dangerous to a baby than being left to cry for a couple of minutes while you take a break and calm down. Don’t feel guilty about wanting a couple minutes to yourself, parenting is incredibly hard especially when you add in the stresses of working and studying on top.
What works for one person might not work for you. Don’t feel like you have to follow the “Perfect Childcare Manual''—it doesn’t exist! Baby doesn’t need a bath every day. So what if they don’t have a set bedtime? Formula isn’t evil, it’s about having a fed and happy baby. Just because what you are doing isn’t what you see online doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, try and try again until you find what works for you. You also don’t need all the fancy, gimmicky baby items. A normal pillow works fine as a breastfeeding pillow and instead of a baby bath I use a rubber tub from The Warehouse that cost me $9 (when I don’t just take her into the shower with me). Instead of a whole change table I have a mat from The Warehouse ($10) on top of a chest of drawers. If you can’t afford it, you aren’t a bad parent for not having it. Things like nappies, formula (if you’re using it), and rash cream are far more essential than a $400 rocker that sings, lights up, sways, and glows in the dark.
Most importantly, try to enjoy the time that you have. My daughter is only just eight months old but as I erect baby barriers around the house and try to stop her chasing the dogs, I already wish I could turn her back into the tiny two week old that I could hold with one hand, who only ever slept and fed and never pulled poop out of her nappy to feed the chihuahua! The time with your tiny, cute baby will be over before you know it so enjoy it as much as you can before you reach the point where you realise you now have a small, evil overlord. Don’t take my suggestions if you don’t want to or they don’t suit your situation—I’m just a 22-year-old single mum trying to remember where I left my coffee.
Some wonderful services to parents in the Wellington region:
Midwives: www.findyourmidwife.co.nz
The Well Child Tamariki Ora Programme: https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/well-child-tamariki-oraprogramme
Loss of a baby or pregnancy: www.sands.org.nz.
You can reach their Wellington base at: sandswgtnhutt@gmail.com or 022 398 3917.
Clothing: Free For All, based in Porirua, this is a wonderful organisation aiming to recycle and stop good items going to landfill. They have a huge range of baby clothes and also often have bassinets and cots (get in there now to nab Sofia’s bassinet that I donated a couple of weeks ago).
Food: The Wellington City Mission has an amazing initiative called the Social Supermarket and no one wants you to go hungry (especially with rent prices so high!).
Supporting families of children with disabilities: www.parent2parent.org.nz
General parental support: www.theparentingplace.nz
Maternity services: www.ccdhb.org.nz/our-services/maternity