How to Not Kill Your Partner: An Intensive 4 (?) Week Course
Jamie Clarke | He/Him
As an international student who most definitely wasn’t trekking all the way home to Scotland when this shit hit the fan (sorry, Dad), I found myself in a bit of a predicament when it came to where I would be isolating.
Option one—stay with my two gym-lad, fuccboi flatmates who have used the shower instead of toilet paper to clean their assholes for months, even before the Great Toilet Paper Shortage began (such innovators). I love my flatmates, don’t get me wrong, but when they proudly showed me their cupboard full of just chilli beans as they stocked up for the end of the world, I became concerned for my nostrils.
That left me with option two (my only other option)—staying with my boyfriend. He offered for me to stay at his flat as soon as the lockdown was announced, but I’m not sure if that was his heart or his dick talking. I mean, I know it was the latter, but a thrush infection, heavy period, and IUD-insertion later, I’m sure he’s questioning whether simply isolating with his right hand would have been more fun.
Ah, to be back in the blissful ignorance of pre-lockdown, where we could take shits without our significant other listening in.
I know I’m not the only one who has been lucky enough to get to stay with their partner during isolation. And so, for the bargain price of your undivided attention (please love me), I present to you some tried and tested top-tips for anyone in a similar situation, or really just for those who are new to living with their partner. I can’t promise these will stop you from having murderous thoughts about your significant other, but they’ll hopefully at least prevent you from carrying through with the plan.
GET SOME SLEEP
As your Nana, your nurse, and VUWSA have already told you, sleep is a magical fucking cure for everything. While no, Susan, sleeping eight hours a night won’t cure my mental health problems, a lack of sleep definitely doesn’t help relations with your partner when you’re stuck in the same 5x3 meter room. I’d recommend trying to go to bed around the same time as each other, instead of, say, letting your girlfriend fall asleep before staying up to play Minecraft for four hours.
Annoyed at your partner for waking you up when they go for a piss at 6am after drinking too much beer? Just have a nap in the afternoon, and make sure not to be foolish enough to be awoken by your true love jerking-off in their ergonomic gaming chair, only 10 minutes into your peaceful beauty sleep. But, if you are stupid enough not to be a deep sleeper, remember that your partner was “just watching a video about Dungeons and Dragons”, and they would never lie to you! Some bonus advice: if you have Grown Up flatmates with Real Jobs that are working from home, try to avoid waking them up by vomiting at 3am after finishing a bottle of gin during an at-home, Jacinda-approved ‘pub quiz’
(sorry, Megan).
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES
Nothing brings a family together like a heartwarming meal. If you also love food more than your significant other, yet happen to be dating an undernourished sadboi who would happily live off three meals of marmite and crackers per-week, now is your time to shine. The best way to trick your partner into eating the bare minimum of two meals a day (with maybe an entire vegetable thrown in there) with you? Do all the fucking cooking yourself. You may be able to trick them into making you some Indomie barbeque chicken flavour noodles for lunch (yet even then they’ll find a way to fuck that up), but when it comes to making an actual meal at dinner time, know that it’s all down to you.
Set your expectations really low, and then maybe you’ll be able to find some joy in watching them begrudgingly chop half a red onion, before they go on to complain how it stung their eyes for the remainder of the week. Also, if they ask you a question like “can you even dice carrots?” it’s helpful to imagine you’re teaching a small child to cook to prevent any undesirable harsh words. When they exclaim with more than a hint of surprise that the meal you’ve spent the evening making “actually tastes pretty good”, you can relieve any frustration by scrubbing the pot with all the strength you’ve built up from the last two hours of stirring.
TAKE AN INTEREST IN EACH OTHERS LIFE
Being stuck inside doesn’t mean you can’t have fun together! Now is the perfect time to try out new things, and have a go at some of your significant other’s hobbies. For a cute couple’s activity, I’d personally suggest playing a video game together, especially one that your partner has played for the past ten years. Crying when you die again and again as they rush off into the distance is all just part of
the fun.
In addition, just because uni is closed for business doesn’t mean your learning has to stop—your partner is there to help you. If your partner is also cool enough to be a top fan on the Classical Studies Memes for Hellenistic Teens page, you’ll get a great education through them explaining the historical context for every single Classics meme on the internet to you in extreme detail. But, will they want to spend any time learning about what you study or do for fun? Of course not, don’t be silly!
KEEP FIT
Don’t panic—being an unfit piece of shit doesn’t have to stop while you’re in quarantine. Although, if tension is running high regarding whose turn it is to buy the weekly supply of alcohol, a nice government-mandated stroll together can really help lighten the mood. Being out in the sunshine and getting vitamin D is proven to help boost serotonin—even if you’re both pale fucks and the subsequent sunburn results in an argument about who should have brought the sunscreen. And of course, counting the number of good dogs you get to see while you’re walking will solve any problem. Seriously though, dogs do make everything better.
***
I hope by the time you’re reading this, you’ll be legally allowed to go back to wanking in the privacy of your own bedroom. But, as COVID-19 gives no fucks about the state of your relationship, these lifesaving tips are here for you if you do still happen to be stuck together. Or, if you (for some unknown reason) actually choose to live with your partner after this, I hope my expert advice will help keep you sane. Even those we love the most can be tough to handle in intensive doses, but this apocalypse has really shown that we love them regardless of their (many) flaws.